‘I cherished intercourse with strangers however I do not need one other sleazy vacation within the solar’
Dear Jane,
Time to choose
My boyfriend had always wanted to go on a saucy, ‘adults only’ holiday. So, over the summer, I booked two weeks in a fancy resort. We had sex with other people. We swan naked; attended swinging parties and let rip.
I went along to please him. Did I have a good time? Yes I did. Do I want to do it all again next summer, no I don’t. Yet he is begging for us to book the same resort and repeat the fun, even though it’s my turn to choose a 2027 location.
He bleats that he can’t stop thinking about the great time we had – and that no other holiday has ever matched up. What’s the point in ‘wasting’ money elsewhere when paradise is only a couple of clicks away? I think he’s being selfish and don’t feel as though I’m being listened to.
I want to go on a European cruise, but he says that’s boring. The other night we had a massive row. He said: “If you don’t come with me, then we’re over”. In the morning he backtracked and apologised, but he’s still trying to persuade me.
What this whole episode has done is open my eyes to his true nature. He travels all over the world with his job. I’ve got a horrible feeling that he’s something of a sex tourist behind my back; that he pays for sex in exotic places and attends edgy parties in busy cities.
Pieces of the puzzle are falling into place and, suddenly, I’m all at sea. I’ve often heard his colleagues joke about my guy always being up for any foreign trip, no matter how far flung or for how long.
I’m looking at him with fresh eyes. I feel ashamed to admit that I might be living with someone for whom sex with strangers is all that matters. Where do we go from here?
JANE SAYS: Last summer you and your guy went on an adult holiday for a special treat. You joined in the action and smiled sweetly because you wanted to please him. You believed the experience was meant to be a one off. Now he’s asking for a re-run. He’s moving the goal posts because this should be your year to choose. Does he have any respect for your feelings or opinions? Does he feel he can steam-roller you into submission? You need to stay focussed and strong. Be aware of your desires and limitations. If you find yourself being ‘persuaded’ to dance to your boyfriend’s tune, then find the courage to say ‘no thanks’.
Take the initiative and tell him that you really don’t want to book another trip to the same or a similar location. However, if he still insists, then tell him that he’s on his own. As for his time abroad, is he prepared to come clean about his behaviour? Is there anything you need to know? Insist on full transparency because if he is having sex with strangers, then that’s a serious – potentially relationship breaking – matter. It’s sad that things may end this way, but you cannot risk your sexual health or your emotional well-being. Maybe he needs to meet someone more like-minded, and you need to reclaim your life?
Separate lives
My friend’s husband wants to have sex with me.
I’m single and he’s sex starved. He claims they haven’t shared a bed years.
He vividly remembers the last time they had sex; it was on holiday in Spain. Once I was over, she said: “Well, I’m never doing that again” and moved into the spare room on their return.
He says they live separate lives, and she doesn’t care if he sleeps with other women. He thinks a no-strings-attached ‘arrangement’ with me will work because we know each other and things between us would be ‘safe’. Could this work?
JANE SAYS: If this is such a great idea, then why isn’t your friend in on it too? Why can’t everything be open and honest?
There’s a big difference between your female friend turning a blind eye to her husband’s private life (if, in fact, that is true) and you hoping into bed with him.
Tell him that you’re not prepared to do anything to hurt her. Suggest he sets up a meeting between the three of you to discuss this mater. Unfortunately, if that idea is a problem for him then this bright idea is a non-starter.
Be prepared to step back and protect yourself if you feel you’re being compromised or groomed. I worry that not everything that comes out of his mouth is necessarily true.
Gone to ground
My sister walked out on her long-term partner back in June. Now she’s living with a new lover in a secret location. She won’t give us her exact address or agree to meet up for talks. She is being selfish and cruel, and everyone is angry with her. I message her twice a day. I can see she’s read my pleas (by the two blue ticks), but she rarely acknowledges them. The other day I got a text begging me to give her space. When did she become such a diva and how dare she treat everyone like this?
JANE SAYS: I suspect your sister is loved up and distracted right now. Step back and give her the space she’s asking for. She’s a grown up and she can do what she likes.
Don’t take her silence personally because this isn’t about you. I fear that unless you respect her wishes, then you’ll irritate and alienate her – and your relationship may never be the same again. Remember that she knows where you are and will be more than capable of picking up the phone again once she’s good and ready. Of course, her ex-partner is upset, and you’re all confused but, I’m sure, everything will come out in time.
Pick up the pieces
My boss is completely useless. He’s all mouth and no action. Now he’s announced that he’s taking unpaid leave to go travelling. The owner of our firm simply expects me to pick up the reins and do the work of two people for the next six months.
I actually went for my boss’s job when it was advertised and didn’t get it.
How is this fair?
JANE SAYS: Having been passed over once for promotion, you’re now being taken advantage of. The firm’s owner knows what’s going on and is keeping his or her head down.
For whatever reason it was decided that your services were not required in the more senior role yet you’re doing the job anyway – plus some.
Sounds like it’s time for some serious renegotiation or a move.
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