‘Infatuated bloke is hooked on edgy intercourse classes with my leather-clad rival’
JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who doesn’t know how to deal with her cheating man
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They play wild games
A sexier, saucier woman is after my man. She’s pert and pretty and he’s obsessed with her. I’m told that they play wild bedroom games with sex toys and handcuffs. How am I supposed to compete?
And how do I stop her from stealing him from under my nose? For the past eight months I’ve suffered the humiliation of watching him mooning around this angel.
They work together. Recently she was sent on a training course to Scotland. He was like a caged animal. He couldn’t stand not being able to see her and all I could do was hold back while he conducted an emotional phone affair with, I suspect, plenty of cybersex thrown in for good measure. Witnessing him creeping down to the garden shed to make secret calls cut me to the core. Equally horrible were the daily sex sessions that he insisted upon with me because I was fully aware that he was thinking about her during our most intimate moments.
I get it that she’s attractive and clever and that she’s awoken something incredible in him but what about me? She and I met, at my insistence, last month.
She turned up in our local coffee shop looking amazing in a short leather skirt and leather jacket. I begged her to leave him alone. I explained that she’d cast a spell over him, one that I couldn’t break. I begged her to stop messing with his heart, but she sneered in my face and walked away. When I got home my husband virtually ripped my head off for daring to go behind his back and embarrass her! I get it that I’m probably nothing but a boring old fart to them, but I’m flesh and blood and this is my life and my future she’s toying with.
JANE SAYS: You need to keep reminding yourself that it’s your husband you’re married to. He is the one you committed to on your wedding day and the person you’ve shared so many years and experiences with. Of course, you’re devastated that a colleague has turned his head, but surely, he’s the one who you should be confronting?
It’s only human to find ourselves attracted to other people from time to time, but he has taken things to a cruel and unacceptable level. Has he explained to you what this woman means to him and what their long-term plans are? Does he simply expect you to wait in the wings and facilitate his daily existence (food, washing, clean house etc) while he conducts a double life?
He can’t continue to treat you like this. Where is the gratitude or loyalty? You now need to take the lead and confront him. What does he think he’s playing at?
I worry that if you continue ‘coping’ then you’ll crack. It would be wonderful if you could carve yourself out some space and thinking time. Think about staying with family or friends so that you can get your head together and see how you feel. Either that or he needs to move out. Sadly, if his lover is his priority now, then you must start protecting your head and your heart. Stay strong and don’t ever think that this is your fault.
He’s calling me a stalker
I thought I was in a proper relationship with my neighbour. Now he’s ordered me to return the spare key and leave him alone. He’s saying he’s sick of me turning up unannounced and leaving ‘pathetic’ food parcels. He doesn’t find me attractive and certainly doesn’t appreciate being ‘stalked’. Apparently, he now considers the one night we made drunken love last summer the biggest mistake of his life. I’m devastated and feel ridiculous. How did I misread the signs so catastrophically? How can I ever show my face in the street again?
JANE SAYS: You cannot allow this man to destroy you. It’s very sad that wires have been crossed, but nothing gives him the right to talk to you like a piece of trash.
If you have been ‘guilty’ of being over-zealous, then learn from that, but banishing your friendship and kindness is his loss.
I get the impression of a complex and private individual. I very much doubt if he’s telling you the whole story and there could be another person in his life.
Bow out gracefully because his use of the word ‘stalker’ is worrying. Don’t ever give him cause to invoke it again. That said, do not accept that you are anything less than a valid person. Go about your normal business in the neighbourhood with your head held high.
Her lover comes too
A couple of times a month I ring my oldest friend and ask her if she fancies a coffee. The problem is that her sulky partner invariably turns up too. He doesn’t say a word to me and clearly resents my presence even though I’m the one who arranges the meet ups. I’d like to see her on her own, but how do I make that happen?
JANE SAYS: I worry that your friend is being overwhelmed and controlled by an individual who is reluctant to allow her freedom, space or friendship. When it is safe to do so, suggest she checks out nationaldahelpline.org.uk.
She may not even realise she is being controlled and a victim of domestic abuse. Keep in touch and make it clear that she is not alone.
