JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who is sick of being slammed for simply trying to make ends meet
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If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Rubbing my face in it
My partner knows that I used to be an exotic dancer and escort. Years ago I used my youthful body and quick mind to make money and buy food. Yes, I had sex with clients. Yes, I got involved in some seedy activities with other professional girls and guys at private parties, but I survived.
I’ve never made any secret of the fact that I used that route to drag myself out of poverty. I’m not ashamed that my parents had nothing and that (unlike my partner) I didn’t have stability or safety, let alone pocket money.
But that doesn’t stop him from getting jealous and spiteful and accusing me of being a tart – and enjoying my wild past. Why can’t he accept that I worked to eat and that it’s unfair of him to spit in my face and despise me?
JANE SAYS: I don’t understand why you allow your partner to disrespect and upset you. There’s nothing you can do to undo your past – nor feel ashamed about.
If he can’t support and love you, then what is the point of him? Does alcohol play a part in his nastiness? Why is he so jealous? Does he need to seek help? You are clearly a hardworking, resourceful person. You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. Sadly, if your partner can’t stop undermining you, then you’ll have to find another route – out of there. Explain to him that you refuse to be intimidated or put down.
Home is like the North Pole
My perfectionist of a girlfriend is beyond house proud. Our flat is decorated in pure white: White sofas, carpets and blinds. It feels like we’re living in the North Pole. Our Christmas decorations are all white too. I’m not allowed a single red bauble or sprig of holly. I get it that she’s stylish, but this doesn’t feel like home. Help.
JANE SAYS: Promise to meet your girl halfway with a mutually acceptable set of house rules. Sit down and put your heads together. But also make it clear that you will not tiptoe around feeling guilty.
Of course, you’ll clear up any mess you make but must be able to be relax. Otherwise, your property ceases to be a comfortable home, and her fussiness will have a negative impact on your relationship.
He was a rampant rogerer
Growing up I adored my mum’s playboy, single brother.
He was my ‘naughty uncle’ who gave me sweets and bought me expensive presents. I simply accepted that he called everyone ‘darling’ as a term of affection. Recently, however, my aunt blew my world apart by explaining that ‘darling’ was his sneaky way of never slipping up. He died in August.
Apparently, he was a rampant sexual predator who slept with everyone from colleagues and neighbours to my mother’s closest friends. I had no idea. He never did anything inappropriate with me but how am I supposed to move forward when I never really knew the man I looked up to?
JANE SAYS: Sadly, your uncle is no longer around to speak up for himself. I’m sure your aunt is a lovely woman, but she can only offer her version of events.
If she didn’t like him then some details may have been blurred or lost in translation. It’s important, for your own mental health, that you remember the person who was kind and loving towards you. You have no way of knowing how your uncle thought or operated.
Avoid any future gossip and move forward remembering the good times you and he enjoyed. None of us are perfect and your uncle will always be the man who loved and indulged you. Check out cruse.org.uk regarding the grief you’re experiencing.
Push the button
Our teenage daughter is very challenging. I hardly recognise the little girl I lovingly raised. She’s really pushing our buttons with a new boyfriend who drinks and vapes in her bedroom and appears incapable of holding a conversation with us. Why do we have to be punished?
JANE SAYS: Your daughter is testing the boundaries and working out who she is. Kicking back is almost to be expected. It’s not personal. You need to hold your nerve because this phase with pass. However, nothing gives her boyfriend the right to disrespect your home. If you don’t want him in her room, then look them both in the eye and lay down some unbreakable house rules.
Don’t be tempted to back down because they won’t respect you for it.