JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who wants his partner to be more loving and giving
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I snore too loudly
How do I persuade the woman I love to have sex with me? We have a strong friendship. We go on holidays and see each other all the time, but she refuses to get naked. I’m always forced to sleep in her spare room and book separate hotels rooms. There’s always a reason why I’m physically unacceptable to her. From snoring too loudly to getting up too many times in the night, we hug but nothing more. I find this frustrating. How am I supposed to feel when she is happy to take the best of me, but not my love?
JANE SAYS: Life is for living and if your friend is not sexually attracted to you then that’s disappointing but that doesn’t signify the end of your sex life. Force yourself out of your comfort zone. Accept that your friend simply isn’t interested in what you need. She’s happy to share a meal with you, she’s not prepared to share your bed. That’s upsetting but she’s not the only woman in the world and you can’t allow her to put you down or hold you back. Endeavour to meet new people and look forward to safe sex in a fresh setting with someone who appreciates you.
Pushing his luck
My partner wants a big project for 2026. He says he’s full of ideas and energy and needs an outlet for his talents. He’s talking about buying a wreck in the middle of nowhere and doing it up. He’s seen a place he fancies. We can live in one part and rent out the restored outbuildings for a fortune. We currently live in a perfectly nice semi-detached house. The mortgage is paid off, thanks to an inheritance pay out from my aunt, and I’m comfortable. Why should I indulge his fantasy when he’s done nothing for me? Back in September I discovered that he was sleeping with my childhood friend. She came to me in tears and revealed that she was in love with him and they’d been having sex behind my back for two years. She was devastated because he’d promised to leave me and marry her and he was dragging his feet!
I threw her out and hauled him in. At first, he denied everything but then I threated to turn detective and he sang like a canary. I ordered him to leave, and he begged for a second chance. Then he admitted that he was up to his eyeballs in loans and credit card debt and I was forced to bail him out. Now he’s desperate for a fresh start – a project that will bring us together again.
It’ll mean us going right back to basics – possibly living in a caravan on-site for a couple of years. Either that or he wants us to take off around the world on an open-ended trip of a lifetime, with me paying for everything, of course. He’s chivvying me along; making his grand plans sound like an exciting adventure. He believes we need to challenge and test ourselves. Is it selfish or cowardly of me just to want a comfortable and quiet life?
JANE SAYS: I get the impression your cheating partner is attempting to ‘brazen out’ this tricky time in your relationship. Just a few months ago you discovered that he’d been sleeping with a close friend. You confronted him, winkled out the truth and decided to have him back. But who is he to call the shots now? Who is he to tell you how to spend your money or live your life in the coming year? There’s nothing ‘cowardly’ about you knowing your own mind and being aware of your limits. You’re realistic enough to know that a major project would involve a huge amount of work, upheaval, and expense. Your relationship would be tested to its limits. It’s unfair of your partner to lean on you. Keep talking. Articulate your worries regarding money, mental health, and basic energy levels.
Explain that your desire to stay warm and feel financially secure aren’t to be dismissed. Thrash this out and don’t allow yourself to be ground down. Why did he cheat in the first place? Why isn’t he looking for paid work to pay back all the money he owes you from his loans and credit card debts? Can a compromise be found? If he’s in search of a project, then what are his other options? Rather than taking off around the world, I suggest he starts proving his worth to you. Don’t forget that you don’t have to stay together if he’s not worthy of you.
War of the roses
Growing up with my mum and dad was a nightmare. They are both temperamental and loud.
We were forced to duck as they threw plates and traded insults. They divorced in 2018. Dad is now with someone new, but Mum has never moved on. She still resents the fact that he ‘abandoned’ her even though they were incapable of making each other happy. She continues to slag him off every time we speak. It’s exhausting. How do I encourage her to leave him behind and make something of her remaining years?
JANE SAYS: Your parents’ marriage may have been rocky, but your mum believed in your Dad enough to marry him and, went into their union assuming it was for life. I suspect she loved him more than she has ever admitted.
Now it’s eight years down the line and she’s still bewildered and disappointed. I suspect her pride stops her from admitting that she’s heartbroken and if she’s never been good at expressing her emotions, then she struggles to move on. She must hear that you can’t spend the rest of your life having your ear bent.
Can she be encouraged to seek professional help? Can you talk to her about the years she’s wasted and the pressure she puts you under? Her ex-husband isn’t coming back and it’s the future that matters now.
She suffered in silence
My grandmother lived with us throughout my childhood. She irritated me with her sharp tongue and cold manner. I recently found her diaries and discovered that she suffered a terrible childhood. Now I feel awful. How did I not sense how unhappy and damaged she was? Why didn’t she open up?
JANE SAYS: If your grandmother was of the generation that favoured the ‘stiff upper lip’ then she probably didn’t wish to burden you with stories of her sad past.
Maybe she simply didn’t have the emotional tools to be more open. You were a child and need to remember her with love and gratitude. You weren’t a mind reader. If she went out of her way to conceal certain truths, then that was her way of coping. Celebrate her life with good works and kindness.