JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who swears her controlling lover can read her mind
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn’t slowing down.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
I want to break free
I feel like I’m on a piece of elastic. Every time I try to break free from my long-term partner I get so far before he pings me back again. He knows that I no longer love him and yearn to start again as a single woman but has a way of making me feel responsible for his health and happiness. We’ve been together for 12 years and have experienced our fair share of ups and downs. He’s cheated on me, I’ve cheated on him and we’ve struggled for money. I’ve tried so hard to make this relationship work but no longer fancy nor respect him. He’s snappy and unreasonable and moany. We haven’t had sex for two years and I can’t imagine ever getting naked with him again.
Unfortunately, every time I attempt to ‘have the conversation’ he’s one step ahead of me. He can clearly sense when I’m tense and ambushes me with a massive bunch of flowers, piece of jewellery or surprise tickets for a luxury holiday. He promises to change; he says he loves him and begs for a fresh start. Then I feel obliged to stick around out of gratitude.
Just before Christmas I was on the brink of telling him ‘Goodbye’. I was staying with my sister with a view to finding a place of my own. Then I opened my bank statement and discovered that he’d deposited £500 into my current account ‘for a treat’. He’d received a bonus from work and decided to gift me the whole lot. Of course, I then felt beholden all over again. I continue to be tied to him when I yearn to be free. How do I shake him off when he’s devious and clever and seems to be able to read my mind?
JANE SAYS: Your partner knows you very well and can clearly tell when you’re on the verge of splitting. He’s good at judging your mood and leaps in and ‘love bombs’ you with audacious gifts in an attempt to embarrass you into giving him another chance/more time. In retaliation, you now must be stronger and bolder. There’s absolutely no reason to keep the £500 he’s gifted you no matter how tempting it is to keep it. Return the entire amount to him immediately and thank him for the offer. The bottom line is that you cannot allow yourself to be compromised or bought.
If you’re determined to end this relationship and move as a single person, then you cannot allow him to distract or wrong foot you. Pick your moment, look him in the eye and make it clear that this relationship is no longer working for all sorts of reason – and list them. Emphasise that you’re not happy, you’re not fulfilled and you want out.
There’s no denying that the coming months or even years are going to be tough especially if he is prone to being controlling and manipulative and doesn’t give up without a fight. But you must trust your instincts and ignore his attempts at emotional blackmail. Turn to trusted friends for inner and practical support. Sadly, if things DO turn nasty then don’t hesitate in contacting the police and/or a solicitor.
Any excuse
A couple of weeks ago I made a joke to my friend – and she bit my head off. She accused me of being rude and promptly uninvited my whole family from her June wedding.
I’m convinced that she deliberately picked the fight to reduce the guest numbers. My mum and dad virtually raised her because her own parents were useless and absent. She spent all her time with us from the age of 14. I’ve been waiting for her to apologise only it hasn’t happened. How can she be so blatant when I fear this is all about money?
JANE SAYS: Weddings are notoriously stressful. I suspect your friend is have a difficult time of it right now.
If she’s juggling a budget with a growing guest list, then she probably doesn’t know if she’s coming or going. I agree that this is a shabby way of treating the very people who helped her and have played a significant role in her life. I expect she’s embarrassed and conflicted. Are you inclined to extend the hand of friendship by making the first move?
Is this a relationship breaker as far as you’re concerned? She’s about to embark on a new journey with her intended spouse and his or her family; is this where you and she (naturally) go your separate ways?
Think about it.
Sex machine
I used to feel flattered that my girlfriend wanted sex all the time. But now I worry that she might have some form of sexual addiction. She exhausts me with her constant need for attention and sexual satisfaction. I sometimes feel like nothing more than her facilitator; a body in the bed (or on the sofa, up the stairs or on the kitchen table).
She says she loves me but there’s no light or love in her eyes only cold, hard lust. My mates know about my situation because one once walked in and caught us at it. They think I’m the luckiest guy alive.
Am I?
JANE SAYS: Your relationship is unique and if you’re not enjoying the level of sexual satisfaction that your girlfriend demands, then you’re entitled to speak out. Insist on an adult conversation. Make it clear that you’re not a machine; you also require tenderness, warmth, and consideration in a fully rounded union. Being constantly leapt on isn’t flattering if you’ve begun to feel disrespected and used.
What is she thinking? Can changes be made?
What has brought her to this place? You and she can seek help via relate.org.uk. If she’s not willing to open up, then you can always seek support on your own.
Named and shamed
My mother refuses to use the name we’ve chosen for our newborn baby daughter. She says our name is ‘stupid’ so calls her ‘Baby’ instead. My sister agrees that Mum’s a nightmare but begs me to ignore her for the sake of family unity. But how can I ignore this disrespectful behaviour when all we’re trying to is raise and love our child?
JANE SAYS: Your mother clearly has a very high opinion of herself. Are you ever going to change her? Probably not.
Can you appeal to her as a mother and grandmother to come down off her high horse and respect your decision and position? Could your sister speak to her too? Your daughter is your priority, and you need to be strong and consistent for her.