JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who cringes every time her sex-starved mother starts playing up
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Caught groping my bloke
I live with my Mum. Back in December I met a really fit bloke at the gym. He’s brilliant in bed and we have fun. He’s been round to my house half a dozen times.
The problem is that my Mum keeps flirting with him – outrageously so. She’s taken to wearing revealing clothes and telling dirty jokes. I know that she’s sex starved and horny after the break-up of her last relationship but what gives her the right to move in on my action? The other day I caught her provocatively tucking his shirt into his jeans because she said he looked scruffy. Basically she was pawing him and I went crazy.
What’s going on?
JANE SAYS: Can you ask your mother to cool it? Can you tell her that you can see what’s going on and would prefer her to keep her ‘funny stories’ to herself – especially the saucy, inappropriate ones. I’m sure she’s loving having an attractive guy around the place but he’s your lover not hers. She’s guilty of getting carried away with herself.
Tread carefully and aim to be respectful but firm. Does she need to be encouraged to make friends or find lovers of her own? Are you willing to help her to get out there if her confidence is shot?
We’re lost at sea
I fear my husband and I have reached the point of no return. We’re exhausted and have nothing left to say to each other. We’re sleeping separately and preparing our own food. We’re not having sex and mainly communicate by text. He wants our marriage to continue, but I feel we’re simply going through the motions. For the past three years we’ve juggled our full-time jobs with caring for his sick mother. I’ve cooked, cleaned and washed for her while my husband has taken care of her physical needs and driven her to hospital appointments.
She’s just gone into a care home and now our work is done. There’s nothing left to hold us together. He sits in one room, playing with his laptop, while I watch TV or walk next door’s dog. Caring for his mother has taken everything out of us. The midnight call- outs, trips to A&E and the endless worry has exhausted and finished us off. He says that I knew what I was getting into when I offered to support her. He points out that I was on-board, and I was, but I never imagined the whole process would so unrelentingly, cold, hard, and stressful.
Our relationship has been put to the test, and I don’t know what’s left. Where do we go from here?
JANE SAYS: No one would blame you for feeling exhausted – both mentally and physically. For the past three years you’ve put your lives on hold as you cared for your ailing mother-in-law. You experienced the highs and lows of hospital visits, emergencies and grinding day-to-day caring, which is tough.
You selflessly gave up your free time but now she’s in a secure place – being looked after by professionals – and you find yourselves twiddling your thumbs. I think you need to pat yourselves on the back and exhale. Enjoy your freedom and your home. Give yourselves time to rest and recover and then be pro-active again. Make your relationship a priority. Is booking a holiday an option? Invite friends and family over and start socialising again.
Set about making plans and creating new memories. However, if there are unresolved issues then you must tackle them. Living life to the full and finding a way to love again must be the order of the day.
Guilty as charged
How do I deal with a relative who keeps coming to our house to charge her car? We’ve just moved to a larger property with a big drive. A couple of times a week she rocks up and asks if she can plug in. She says it’s easier coming to us that going to a supermarket or garage…
My husband rolls his eyes, especially when she comes in and starts helping herself to tea and toast too while she’s waiting.
I like her but don’t like her taking advantage. Should we ask her for money? Should she be offering to pay? What’s the etiquette? Things are made awkward by the fact that she owns a caravan at the seaside that she lets us have for ‘mates’ rates’.
JANE SAYS: You need to establish some house rules and boundaries as far as your relative is concerned. Simply turning and plugging into your power supply – for free – is unsustainable. Does she feel entitled because she gives you a good rate on her caravan? Is this about a deeply rooted resentment? Clear the air before this matter escalates and a row develops.
Do all of you need to go back to the drawing board regarding how you benefit from each other’s assets? Work out the figures. I get the impression that she has a very strong sense of entitlement and doesn’t respect you very much.
All about her
My Dad died very suddenly back in November.
I rang my oldest friend to break the news, and she staggered me with her indifference. She managed to make the whole conversation all about her. Apparently, she’d been feeling a little ‘off colour’ herself. Then she started listing her ailments. Her insensitivity was off the scale. I slammed the phone down in disgust.
Now she can’t understand why I don’t want to speak to her again. I’m being bombarded with emails and texts. Why should I give her the time of day when she only ever thinks of herself?
JANE SAYS: Consider forgiveness. Accept that we all say and do stupid things in the heat of the moment that we sometimes regret afterwards. You still describe this person as your oldest friend so, surely, she deserves the benefit of the doubt? It’s highly likely that she felt awkward and embarrassed on hearing your tragic news; perhaps she simply didn’t know what to say for the best and babbled?
A terrible thing happened, but she’s not to blame for your loss. Surely you need someone like her now, more than ever? If she’s taken the trouble to write and text, then she must be feeling terrible.
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