JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who feels under pressure to fit in with her demanding friends
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They say I’m a bore
My five oldest friends recently staged an intervention and now I’m fuming. They had the nerve to lure me to a local pub. They sat me in a corner and demanded I start drinking again. My best mate plonked a double vodka and tonic in front of me and ordered me to ‘drink up’. I told them that I didn’t appreciate being press ganged and they told me to lighten up.
Then I was warned that sobriety didn’t suit me. They complained that I’d become boring and ‘uppity’ and that they felt judged by my ‘holier than thou’ attitude. They said they wanted to be free to let their hair down without me looking down my nose at them. I pushed the drink away and stormed home in a fury. Now I’ve received a follow up message urging me to calm down and reconsider. But why should I? For the past six years I’ve enjoyed trips away with these friends. I’m an organiser. I’ve booked flights, hotels and excursions for them. I’ve sorted out insurance and hire cars and put everything on my credit cards. Yes, they have always paid me back, but I’ve been their leader.
Now they’re saying they still want me to organise the next trip to Portugal in July, but I can only do so if I start back on the booze. I gave up alcohol six months ago for mental health and financial reasons. I was spending too much money on drink and too many hours feeling paranoid and unhealthy recovering from boozy sessions. Today I feel fantastic. I’m solvent and clear headed. They claim that my decision has changed me for the worst. They feel uncomfortable when I sip mineral water and resent me not getting a proper round in. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry? Do I even know, or like, these people at all?
JANE SAYS: What a peculiar bunch of mates. How sad that they don’t recognise you as an individual or have your best interests at heart. You cannot allow anyone to bounce you back into drinking again. Please stand firm and don’t put your well-being at risk. You now realise that alcohol is not your friend; it makes you feel terrible and drains your bank account. I suggest you tell these ‘friends’ that you’re still the same person; you really don’t judge anyone. Ask for maturity and understanding. Front them up and insist on another conversation on your terms. Point out that drinking was in danger of ruining your life. Do they understand that? As for you being ‘allowed’ to organise the next trip away if you start drinking again – forget it.
Surely, it’s someone else’s turn to grow up, take the reins and put in the hard work? Remind them that, in the past, you’ve bent over backwards to please and organise them and look where it’s got you. Are they willing to apologise and eat humble pie?
Could it be that you’ve outgrown a group of people who have been disrespecting and using you for a long time?
They sound shallow, grasping and controlling to me. You’d be better off without them. Full stop.
Fake that
Does my partner need to hear that I’ve never had an orgasm? Will it crush his ego to discover that he doesn’t turn me on? He tries so hard to make loving fun, but I never experience that magical high my friends rave about. The fact of the matter is that I fake it every time we fall into bed together. I do respect him because he’s a good man, but I don’t think I’ve come close to a climax even with past lovers. I’m very good at panting and yelping but realise that I’m cheating him and lying to myself.
JANE SAYS: It’s disappointing that you’re not achieving your full, sexual potential. You’re missing so much.
Not only is the female orgasm enjoyable but it’s vital for our physical and mental health too.
I recently read figures that suggested that 9 per cent of women have faked an orgasm, while 5-10 per cent have never climaxed.
Would purchasing a female-friendly sex toy enable you to get in touch with your own body?
Be honest with your partner so that you can work together. It could be that you need to go right back to basics with relaxation and stimulation.
Speak to your GP about the possibility of sex therapy for couples and individuals.
Unwelcome guests
My wife won’t have sex if we have guests in the house. She’s worried about people hearing us. Our daughter is 21 and has a serious boyfriend. I’m convinced my wife deliberately encourages this boy to stay over, four and five times a week, to avoid being intimate with me. How dare she?
JANE SAYS: You and she need to have ‘The Conversation’. Find out what’s really going on in her mind. Is she struggling to enjoy sex because of mental or physical issues? Is she exhausted? Has she lost her sexual confidence?
Using the boyfriend to avoid you is low. See if you can find a compromise. Make it clear that you’re not stupid and can sense the rejection in the air – and in your bed.