JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who feels obliged to go under the knife for her kinky boyfriend
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He lusts after big busts
My boyfriend likes a woman with massive – very obviously fake – boobs; thick lips and a large bum. As a result, I’m very conscious of how I look. I always wear push up bras and have regular lip plumping and ‘tweakments’. But these are not extreme enough for him. He keeping showing me images of his ‘dream women’ on his phone – porn stars – and they look nothing like me. We were due to get married next year but now he says he won’t marry me until I have a lot of work done and sculpt myself into his vision of loveliness. This is a huge emotional and financial ask as he doesn’t have the money to pay for surgery either here or abroad. I’d have to cough up. How can he stand to be so demanding when he’s not exactly a male model himself?
JANE SAYS: Your fiancé can’t keep coming up with excuses not to marry you. If the reality is that he is no longer committed – but is too cowardly to tell the truth – then put him out of his misery and say ‘goodbye’. Nothing gives him the right to erode your self-confidence and make you feel bad about yourself. Showing you, images of other women is insulting, and you deserve better. Why would you contemplate marrying someone who is capable of being so controlling? Marrying him would result in a lifetime of misery.
Love is a battlefield
My new boyfriend is edgy and hot. I really fancy him and am thrilled that he chose to date little old me. We have sex every time we meet. The problem is that he claims that pinching and hair pulling are perfectly acceptable during love making. He insists that true love isn’t real unless it hurts, but I always seem to come off worse. I accept that he’s an experienced and sophisticated guy but is this normal? Is the bedroom a battlefield for other couples too?
JANE SAYS: I’ve got a horrible feeling that you’re too much in awe of this loathsome man. He is no better than you and you’re not ‘lucky’ to be going out with him.
If you’ve told this individual that you don’t like being pushed around – and he continues to ignore you – then he’s not for you. Your views are valid and important. None of us know what goes on in other bedrooms. If you feel an act of abuse has been committed, then you must report him to the police. Is there a trusted friend you can confide in? Walk away from anyone who takes pleasure in humiliating you and always believe in yourself and your standards.
Long haul
I had sleazy sex with a colleague at our work Christmas party. We flirted all last year and got very drunk, very quickly on cheap wine. We snuck off into our boss’s office and bonked for Britain. Now I’m terrified that I’m going to be hauled up in front of HR and sacked. What if my boyfriend finds out?
JANE SAYS: Surely someone would have said something by now. We’re nearly into February. Have you thought about why you saw fit to cheat on your boyfriend? Doesn’t he deserve to hear the truth from your lips? If alcohol has become a problem, then do you need to quit? As for your horny colleague, are you determined to keep away from him, or will you be tempted again?
Light fingers
The whole family loathe my sister’s husband. He’s arrogant, flash and sly. She insists on bringing him along to all social events, but we can’t trust him. We’ve all learnt to our cost that he’s always on the make. He tries to get us to invest in his dodgy deals and buy his hooky gear. He steals anything he can get his hands on and thinks nothing of ripping anyone off. He’s notorious. He cannot be trusted around cash or belongings. Many years ago, when he first got together with my sister (and we didn’t know him) my parents got him to housesit while they went on a cruise. They were ‘burgled’.
Jewellery, cash and watches were stolen. My Dad isn’t stupid and was highly suspicious because nothing added up. He turned detective, spoke to neighbours and discovered that the husband had been the culprit; he’d staged the whole thing.
My sister was in pieces and flipped out because she genuinely didn’t know what her fella had done. But she put pressure on our poor parents not to call the police or report the crime. My parents reluctantly, let the matter drop. But that hasn’t stopped my love-struck sister from demanding that he’s still invited to family celebrations. I refuse to have him anywhere near me but then I get it in the neck from my sis because I’m not ‘kind’ or ‘forgiving’ enough.
My husband and I have a significant wedding anniversary coming up. I’d like to host a big party, but why should I be guilt-tripped into including her slug of a man? The plain truth is that he’s never changed his spots, and I don’t see why my friends should have to watch their possessions just because he’s got light fingers.
JANE SAYS: Your sister may be in awe of her ‘colourful’ husband, but you’re not obliged to invite him to family events – even if your sister accuses you of prejudice.
Stealing from your parents’ home was a blatant act of vandalism. He knew exactly what he was doing and took advantage of their absence and kind natures.
If other people are happy to indulge and host him, then that’s up to them, but you mustn’t feel obliged to turn the other cheek when you don’t feel he’s changed.
I suspect your sister is in a difficult position because she’s committed herself to him. I suspect she would love to see him rehabilitated and accepted by everyone she loves. Is she frightened of him? Does she feel stuck with him because he has such a dominant and forceful personality? Are you inclined to ask her why she stays?
Make the point that you are trying to be understanding and kind. Could she support him in getting him any treatment that he might need? Perhaps someone could finally work out why he has these compulsions to steal, trick and con. Is he on drugs? Does the man need professional help? Don’t allow anyone to make you feel guilty or responsible. He is not, and never has been, your responsibility. You must consider protecting yourself, your parents and other vulnerable family members.