JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who longs to break and domesticate her selfish, work shy lover
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
I can’t tame the beast
I went into my relationship with my eyes wide open. I knew that my man was a sh*gger and a player. Everyone warned me against him, but I thought I could change him. Only it’s now three years on and I’m still no closer to taming the beast.
I was aware that he had a colourful past when we hooked up at a party. He left a trail of devastated ex-lovers in his wake, but I considered myself better than the rest. I imagined him declaring his undying love to me and never looking at another woman again. That hasn’t happened. Despite me loving, adoring and educating him, he’s even more selfish and outrageous today than ever before.
I’m convinced that there are a dozen women he sees – and beds – on a regular basis. Plus, I’ve been warned that he often picks up one-night stands and working girls in between.
The bloke is a one-man sex machine. I just feel so humiliated and defeated. In the early days we were addicted to each other. We made love all the time and were crazy. Once we went on holiday to Turkey and had so much noisy sex that the management threatened to throw us out.
It was hilarious. We used to dare each other to run up and down the hotel corridors in the nude without getting caught. But I’m not laughing much now. He’s a painter and decorator but doesn’t get much work. Instead, I work like stink to earn cash for both of us.
He’s a free spirit and very prone to going missing for days on end. Even when he does eventually turn up again, he won’t tell me where he’s been.
He’s 38. What can I do to convince him that he’s too old for these childish games – that it’s time to sober up and settle down?
JANE SAYS: We only get one life and if you don’t like yours, then you must make plans to move on. I understand that your confidence is probably in your boots right now. You dread people saying, ‘I told you so’ and don’t know where to turn, but there is always life on the other side. This man doesn’t define you and you will survive without him. Accept that this relationship has not worked out. It’s impossible to change someone who doesn’t wish to change and, from the sound of it, your fella is perfectly happy with his complicated existence. He hardly works but is happy to leech off you. What gives him the right to drift and please himself?
He lives his life by a totally different set of rules to you. Talk to him and explain that you can’t go on like this, then start to plan your escape. Whatever happens do not allow him to bully you or make you feel guilty for moving on. I don’t like the idea of you working hard and earning money to support both of you – what on earth is that all about? Clearly the man doesn’t have a heart or anything of a conscience either. I don’t understand why you continue to put yourself through this hell when you’re playing a losing game.
Just how much would he care if you packed your bags and walked away tomorrow? Not very much is my honest answer…
Avoidance tactics
I don’t know what I’ve done to upset a good friend. She and I used to be so close. She works in a local department store. The other day I went in to say ‘hello’. She saw definitely me but shot off the shop floor and hid out the back.
I’m so desperate to get to the bottom of this that I can’t sleep. I’ve not stolen or borrowed anything of hers, so why is she so upset with me?
JANE SAYS: I fear the more you keep on, the more your estranged friend may come to resent you. For all you know she could be ill, having a relationship problem or be in financial straits. Perhaps she’s even decided that she needs a change of pace? Keep your cool, get on with your life and stop obsessing about her. The fact is that we pick up and lose friends all the time. People can drop in and out of our lives for all sorts of reasons. Yes, I accept that it will be a real shame if you and she never spend time together in the future, but life goes on. She’s not the only person with a pulse and if you’re fun, bright and entertaining then you will go on to meet new pals. Could it be that you’ve been too intense in the past? If so, then change how you operate.
Broken love
My girlfriend and I shagged in my shed. She broke my mower and is now refusing to pay for it. I didn’t even want to have sex amongst the cobwebs at the bottom of my garden, but my girlfriend insisted we ‘live a little’. My wife was out visiting her sister, so my girlfriend came over and we snuck down for some passion.
My shed is full of old pots, chairs and equipment. My girl started piling stuff up to make space. She demanded I take her over of the barbecue but then everything fell and the mower got damaged. How do I make her face up to her responsibility?
JANE SAYS: I suspect you’re fighting a losing battle. How are you going to make your girlfriend pay for anything? What about your responsibility to your wife and home life in general? Was taking your lover down the shed for sneaky sex really such a great idea? Couldn’t you have said ‘no’? Why are you having sex with another woman in the first place? So many questions…
I suspect your wife trusts you to behave while she goes out. I suggest you put your house in order and work out who you love and what your priorities are.
Unequal partners
My man can’t be told anything.
He is always right; has never said ‘sorry’ and is often openly rude. We’ve been together for fifteen years. Any time I do anything wrong; I get screamed at.
Any time he screws up its hilariously funny (or someone else’s fault). How does that work?
JANE SAYS: If your bloke is not big enough to take the rough with the smooth and admit that he has faults, then why on earth are you still bothering with him? Look him in the eye and tell him today that you won’t go on like this. Unless he starts treating you like an equal partner, you’ll have to think about the future. It sounds like you’ve hooked yourself up with a big baby. He sounds like a drag on the universe.