If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn’t slowing down.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Love amongst the cobwebs
My girlfriend wants to us to give up our rented flat and move in with her parents. She says this is the only way we can save up for a mortgage.
But I don’t want to live anywhere near her revolting folks. For a start, the mother doesn’t like me. She doesn’t think I’m good enough.
Secondly, she won’t allow us to sleep in the same bed because she doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. My girl will be in her old childhood bedroom, while I’ll be in the garden pod – in other words the shed. I’m a successful businessman yet I’m about to be treated like a garden gnome on a camp bed. Charming. My girl says we can sneak together for sex whenever her folks go out but what kind of life is that? I’ll be under so much pressure to perform that I doubt if I’ll be able to rise to the occasion. I get it that we’ll be living rent free and will be able to save, but I think I’d rather live in a sewer than exist under the glare of her resentful mother and smarmy father.
But what really gets me is the hypocrisy, because I know for a fact that her dad has been sleeping with his secretary for years. The mum knows all about his affair but has chosen to turn a blind eye for the sake of family harmony. My girlfriend is in on the secret too but refuses to discuss it because she’s embarrassed. Yet she’s happy to see me in a cobwebby garden shed for the sake of money.
She urges me to sit tight and get through the next months without complaining. But what if weeks turn to months and I’m still out in the cold at Christmas? What’s your view?
JANE SAYS: We’re currently in April and you’re talking about the possibility of still sleeping in a bed-in-a-shed at Christmas. I suggest you come up with an alternative plan. Tell your girl that you understand and appreciate that this is a chance to save hard, but you must be able to live and function like a professional person.
Being relegated to the garden like an outcast is insulting. Are you going to be allowed in for a shower or does your girl propose to chase you around with the hose pipe. What about meals?
Put your heads together and see if you can come up with another plan. Are you folks able to help? Do you have other friends or relatives you could beg a favour from? I suspect that by relegating you outside, this is your girlfriend’s mum’s way of keeping you away. I suspect she’s highly embarrassed and feels humiliated that her husband is behaving so badly. Is it worth you and she finally having a heart-to-heart? Can you get her on her own for a chat? Might she more welcoming and less uptight if you make it clear that you love and respect her daughter and have no desire to snoop or interfere in family life. If she still refuses to budge, then your girlfriend needs to hear that you refuse to be disrespected, and a Plan B is required. Can she speak up for you?
Oily individual
My girlfriend visits a male friend for massages. Apparently, this guy is giving up his job in finance for a life as a ‘complimentary therapist’ and needs people to practise on. I’m not sure about this…
What annoys me is that she’s not been honest with me. Every time I thought she was visiting her mum, she was getting her tummy rubbed by him. Apparently, he prepares his front room with scented candles and relaxing music. The other day she admitted that she strips completely naked because it’s ‘better that way’, while he covers her in pungent oils. I’m disgusted. Why did I have to hear about it all from a friend of a friend?
JANE SAYS: Getting a professional massage for therapeutic or relaxing reasons isn’t so unusual these days. I suppose your girl could argue that her friend must get his practise in somehow. But I completely understand where you’re coming from because it’s clearly the secrecy and deceit that has upset you.
Go back to the table with her and ask for total honesty. Is she paying this guy? Is there anything between them? Is everything above board? Why not be honest with you about the arrangement from the start?
She needs to hear that you care about her but can’t function happily if something untoward is going on behind your back. Can she reassure you of her loyalty and commitment?
Breaking up is hard to do
I think my boyfriend is trying to make me break up with him. In the past six months he’s become argumentative and tricky. He contradicts me and changes plans at the very last minute. He claims he’s told me stuff – when he really hasn’t. The other night he staggered in at midnight stinking of booze. I’d cooked dinner and it was ruined. He then started having a go at ME for not turning up to his office party. He accused me of humiliating him and scuppering his chances of a promotion. I didn’t know anything about it. What’s going on?
JANE SAYS: Your guy needs to hear that you do not play games. If he’s got something to say, then he needs to spit it out. Every time he suggests you’re losing the plot, he is effectively gas lighting you – and that’s a form of coercive control. Front him up. Does he have something he wishes to get off his chest? Does he feel your relationship is over? Is he keen to move on?
The reality is that not all unions go the distance and it’s very sad when love breaks down, but you deserve better. Do you need to turn detective?
Sneaky behaviour
My ex-partner has gone straight back to his ex-wife.
He and I split up at the end of February after a series of rows. He went straight to his ex-wife’s house without missing a beat and now they’re back together.
I can’t help feeling bitter. All the time we were together obviously meant nothing. He clearly never stopped loving her despite telling me that I was the one. How dare he?
JANE SAYS: You cannot allow yourself to be dragged down by this turn of events. Of course, you’re disappointed that your ex-partner has hooked up with his ex-wife, but there can be no looking back when your relationship is over.
You owe it yourself to forge on and make the best of the years in front of you. What are your plans and options?