Count Binface continues to grow in stature with every passing day. First he took on Andy Burnham in the Makerfield by-election and now he’s set his sights on Nigel Farage’s Clacton constituency.
The intergalactic titan has already said he’ll be running for MP against Farage if he can secure the necessary votes, after the Reform leader’s resignation triggered a by-election.
And we here at the Star have been long-time fans of Binface. In fact, he’s written columns for us over the years, which give a unique insight into the man who may become one of the most powerful political figures in the country…
Back in August of last year, he penned a column which touched on exactly how he’d plan to deal with ‘Fanta Fuhrer’ Donald Trump.
And this is what he said.
Hello humans! I hope you’re having a peaceful bank holiday weekend. On which note, let me offer you an exclusive new Count Binface policy.
When I win power (which could be any day, given the mess being made by Pig’s Ear Keir), I pledge to abolish bank holidays – BUT only for people who work in banks.
Why should bankers be allowed to put their feet up like everyone else, when they should be fixing the economy they smashed in 2008?
I reckon that you, the hard-working British public, have earned the right to quantitatively ease the time off those b******s are entitled to.
Speaking of peaceful weekends, that brings me to the subject of Donald Trump. The Fanta Fuhrer’s effort to nab the Nobel Peace Prize is gathering pace, and he has been vociferously claiming he ended SIX wars.
It’s a measure of the man that he should be on the warpath to win a peace prize, but there we are.
Does his claim of stopping so many wars stack up? For starters, he previously claimed the figure is seven, which makes you wonder.
As for the conflicts themselves, some of the countries involved have said Trump had zero impact, while Ethiopia went further and claimed, if anything, he risked making things worse.
As for Serbia and Kosovo, those two weren’t fighting in the first place. That leaves the Middle East, and it seems that here Trump wants to be rewarded for enabling Israel’s destruction of Gaza and for dropping massive bombs on Iran.
It’s not exactly the Nelson Mandela playbook. It’s diplomacy in the same way the Death Star brought peace to Alderaan.
In other words, all Donald should be winning is the “No! Bellend” Prize.
I don’t know about you, but I find it galactically pathetic that a US President might want to bring about peace so he can put a bauble on his mantelpiece, rather than doing it for its own sake.
But this might be the whole crux of the Trump story. There’s a theory doing the rounds that the reason he is desperate to win a Nobel Prize is because in 2009 Barack Obama got one after less than a year in office. In fact, so the story goes, his entire motivation to become president in the first place rests on a thirst for revenge after Obama cracked jokes at his expense during a speech back in 2011.
Could it be true? Is his real agenda just to outdo Barack? Maybe here lies the secret Kryptonite that could do what the Democrats couldn’t and finally defeat the MAGA Menace.
All it would take is a simple two-part plan. First, convince Obama to perform a daredevil stunt, such as walking from the top of the Empire State Building to the Chrysler Building on a tightrope.
It would enrage Trump to insane proportions, leading us to part two: a second, bigger tightrope walk, this time across the Grand Canyon – a challenge which Obama declares he’s not brave enough to attempt.
Trump is bound to take the bait for a chance to overshadow his bitter rival, and hey presto! He’ll surely plummet into the gorge, like Alan Rickman at the end of Die Hard. Yippee ki yay!
Peace and love, CB x