If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Fizz in the fridge
I’m being used for sex.
I’m obsessed with a girl I grew up with. I’ve fancied her since I was 16. She knows that I crave a proper relationship, but all she gives me are quick bonks and empty promises.
She promises that she’ll eventually leave her partner and give herself to me. But I’ve been sleeping with her for four years now and I’m still no closer to calling her my own.
She creeps round here several times a week and orders me around. From role-playing and naked wrestling to every sexual position imaginable; I’m her facilitator and human sex toy. She barks her orders and I comply.
She complains that her current partner is hopeless in bed. He has no imagination and refuses to pleasure her orally. He has no idea about me.
She can’t explain why she’s still with him. I suspect it’s because he’s got money and knows a lot of people. Recently, she admitted, that she made a mistake moving into his swish apartment. But she’s got used to a fridge full of fizz and luxury holidays. She feels trapped. She bleats that I’m her escape but that doesn’t make me feel any better.
How do I make her mine?
How do I finally convince her that being with me full time would be wonderful? I can’t offer her handbags and glad rags, but I do genuinely love her, and she can’t deny that the sex we enjoy is electric. Her closest friends, who know about me, are split. Half say she should stay with her rich fella while the others are Team Me.
JANE SAYS: Clearly, you’re dazzled by this colourful woman.
You’re sexually attracted to each other, and it feels right to be in each other’s arms.
But you must accept that she is never going to be yours and yours alone.
Her partner may be a wash out in the sack, but she’s grown used to his money.
It could be that he’s lacking in imagination, but that not enough for her to give up the lavish lifestyle. Her partner gives her status and bling. You give her the sex she craves, but it’s in a very sordid, cloak-and-dagger kind of way. She tiptoes round to your place whenever the coast is clear and uses you.
You’re her bit on the side; her bad habit and she loves the thrill of the chase and the naughtiness of it all.
But what are her sordid games doing for your self-esteem and your own personal life?
Absolutely nothing. Please, cut the tie and move on. Tell this woman that this situation cannot continue. Yes, she’s sexy and fascinating and fun, but she’s no good for you. You need more than she’s willing to give and you will not be used and tossed aside anymore. Think of all the time and energy you’re wasting. What about comfort, company and love? Surely there must be more to life than this?
What about finding someone who loves and respects you?
High standards
I’m a perfectionist. Sadly, I’m frequently disappointed.
I expect certain standards of excellence from folk.
But everyone from my partner to my bosses let me down and I’m left feeling anxious and frustrated. My partner tells me to chill out, but I can’t.
Why can’t other people try harder, follow through and strive for perfection like I do?
JANE SAYS: A certain amount of pressure is good for us.
Having high standards and thinking ahead are valuable qualities too. But constantly beating yourself up and looking for problems can only bring you down.
Think back six months: Are any of those old worries even relevant now?
Do go and see your GP if you’re stressed, but also look for activities that will relax you, give you a lift and force you to stop and smell the roses.