If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Delicious fun
I openly go out with men but prefer secret sex with girls. My current boyfriend has no idea that I also get off with other women behind his back.
I know that I’m living a lie, but I can’t help myself.
It’s women I fantasise about when my current boyfriend makes love to me. It’s pretty girls I ogle in nightclubs, not hunky blokes.
Recently I went on a team building residential with work. For three days and nights we worked hard but played hard too. On the last night we had a party in my boss’s hotel suite and I got very drunk. Some women on a hen night crashed the room and madness ensued. I ended snogging – and then bedding – the bride-to-be. She was absolutely delicious and so much fun. We had wild sex until the morning when she finally fled in guilty tears. But I loved every second of having her in my arms and didn’t even flinch when my colleagues started teasing me at breakfast.
My current boyfriend is a lovely bloke, but he knows nothing of my true leanings.
When we make love, it’s fine. I enjoy it, but it’s always so much better with a girl.
What’s my next move? Do I find a full-time woman to love? Do I tell my boyfriend the truth about myself? Do I up sticks, reinvent myself and start again elsewhere? The problem is that my parents and extended family aren’t very broadminded or open people. I just don’t know how they’d respond to me turning up with another woman in tow and introducing her as my life partner.
I’m so confused.
JANE SAYS: It would be very wrong of you to have another sexual encounter behind your boyfriend’s back because cheating is cheating no matter who you’re doing it with. It’s wonderful that you’re finally being honest with yourself and your true needs and feelings. Your next move has got to involve telling your current partner that this relationship isn’t working for you – and why.
Pick the right time and explain to him exactly what you’ve told me; that you actually find yourself more attracted to women than men. Then – and only when you’re completely single again – can you contemplate finding same sex love.
As for your parents and extended family, yes, I get it that they may not approve of any future (female) partners, but this is your life. You’re entitled to live it any way you choose. You’re an individual and don’t have to apologise for your true sexuality. Is it worth speaking to your parents now and simply explaining that your next partner may be a woman and that you’d like them to respect and accept that?
The fact is that every day problems arise within same sex relationships too. You won’t be guaranteed happiness and complete fulfilment just because you’re in a woman’s bed instead of a man’s. There will be trials and challenges ahead, but being true to yourself has to be a positive start.
Caught on the rebound
I’m angry that my partner is still in regular contact with his ex. This causes arguments in our relationship because he won’t agree to breaking free from her completely. He and I got together just days after they broke up in January. Several of my friends warned me that he was on the rebound and that I should be careful, but I thought he was over her.
Then I found intimate messages to her on his phone. He was saying that he missed her and she said that she still loved him too. Naturally I confronted him and he defended her by saying that she was hurting. I argue that he’s not taking my feelings into consideration. I want to give him an ultimatum – her or me – but I’m terrified that he will pick her.
JANE SAYS: I fear that you’re wasting time and energy on a man who isn’t in a position to devote himself entirely to you. Clearly, there’s a lot of unfinished business between him and his ex, as she’s never actually gone away. Maybe you just have to accept that this is not a battle you’re ever going to win. Take the gloves off and talk to him face-to-face. Explain that you simply don’t have the energy nor the stomach for this situation.
What is he thinking? Is he still missing his ex and regretting leaving her? Does he wish to end things with you in order to go back to her bed? Ultimately, he has to understand that he can’t have it both ways; he can’t continue to flirt, chat and meet (?) with her while breaking your heart. What about your feelings and your plans for the future?
I’d like to know what keeps him with you. Is it money or a cosy roof over his head?
Right size
My wife is furious. She doesn’t approve of my plan to sell our large house in order to release money for our grown up children. But I think it’s ridiculous us staying in a massive five-bedroomed detached property when our kids have no cash.
They don’t have the funds for a deposit, so can’t get on the housing ladder. My wife thinks this is a ridiculous idea. She doesn’t see why they should get a penny. She feels that they’ve had enough from us already and now it’s time for them to stand on their own feet. I don’t get this attitude. They are our flesh and blood.
The other night we had a terrible row about this. She stormed that if we sell this house, then we’re over; she’ll get a small place of her own and file for divorce. What have I unleashed?
JANE SAYS: I suggest – if you value your marriage – that you accept that this one battle you’re not going to win.
Clearly, your home is your wife’s sanctuary. It’s the place she’s invested her love, energy and pride in. The thought of selling up is simply too much. Maybe she’s never been as passionate about anything before, because she hasn’t felt like this before. You’re proposing to sell her haven from under her and, in her book, that’s one step too far.
It’s very sad that your grown up children are struggling, but they’ll have to start working harder in order to find another way. Talk to them about their options. Perhaps you might also consult an independent financial advisor about alternative financial schemes. Do some research but don’t be tempted to push your wife too far.
Va va voom
My 35-year-old partner is having an affair with rich 50 year old widow. I’m just devastated. He travels to Paris every week for work. I thought he stayed in a hotel, but, apparently, he stays with her. They have sex and she gives him money. How am I supposed to recover from this humiliation? He’s not even agreed to stop seeing her again.
JANE SAYS: Sadly, if your man won’t agree to cutting this woman out of his life – and you can’t stay with him knowing that he sees her behind your back, then your relationship sounds doomed. How long has he been seeing his secret lover? As for her giving him money; what does that make him? I wonder if you actually know this man – or what makes him tick – at all.