If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
New life
My ex-partner is furious that I have a new life and want nothing more to do with her.
She’s jealous and angry and becoming a pain.
She keeps turning up at my local. She’s joined my gym and tells mutual friends that she’s still in love with me – and urges them to pass on the message.
I left her last March for a number of reasons.
I didn’t like how much she was drinking, who she was hanging out with and how she was speaking to me.
I realised that two drinks relaxed her. Four made her funny but five tipped her over the edge. I got sick of dragging her off other men, clearing up her mess and being physically and verbally abused. Everything came to a head one night when I arrived home from a work stint in Italy to find a house party in full swing. Music was blaring out and there were strangers all over our front room, kitchen and in the garden. Finally, I found her upstairs, in our bed with three guys. She was so out of it that she didn’t know who I was. Then two of the guys tried to thump for crashing their action.
I returned the next night, packed my stuff, and left. I’ve been staying with my cousin and dating ever since. Only my ex is incensed. She feels she should be forgiven; that I’m overreacting. I’ve just received another rambling voicemail from her in, which she blames her behaviour on stress and claims she no longer drinks.
She seems to have every excuse under the sun but hasn’t ever said sorry. I’ve even had calls from her stroppy sisters asking/telling me to give her another chance. But why should I? She had the best of me during the five years we were together and never appreciated any of my efforts.
JANE SAYS: Your ex-partner is claiming to be a sober, reformed character. Fantastic. But her rehabilitation has got nothing to do with you because you’ve moved on.
You screamed ‘enough’ the night you came home to find her in bed with other men. Now you’re in a better place and happier than you’ve been in a long time.
The sad fact is that your ex is employing emotional blackmail in an attempt to lure you back. But that chapter of your personal life is over – and she’s got to start accepting that. If you don’t want what she wants, then you’ve got to resist her with all your might. Don’t allow her to shame, cajole or bully you into returning. Clearly, she has woken up and realised that she’s made a monumental hash of things. From drinking to excess to sleeping with other men, it sounds as if she was out of control for a considerable amount of time.
Tell her today that this all ends here.
Congratulate her on kicking the booze and turning her life around but insist she stops following you around because you’re not blind and you’re not stupid.
Warn her that you will get tough if you have to; you will report her to the police if she continues to stalk and harass. Change your contacts details if you think that will help. Stay strong or she’ll suck you in all over again.
Pain in the butt
A woman at work is obsessed with me. I’m not flattered because she’s a nuisance. She keeps trying to attract my attention. She brings me a coffee with a heart shaped biscuit and sits too close in the canteen.
I dread office parties and staff gatherings because she drinks too much and makes a show of herself. Several colleagues have urged me to ask her out and give her a chance, but I don’t want to. I’m a very private person. I have a complicated sex life at home and have no desire to explain myself. How dare she embarrass me?
JANE SAYS: Your admirer might be lonely and looking for love, but you’re entitled to get on with your day-to-day tasks without feeling embarrassed or beholden. It’s unfortunate that she has taken a shine to you and is acting in such an over-the-top way, but your bosses employ you to do a professional job – and you don’t have to justify your personal life to anyone.
Why don’t you have a quiet word with your immediate boss, union rep or HR advocate?
Calmly explain to he or she that you’re not into office romances and would like this person to leave you alone.
That’s not you being a party pooper or sneak, that’s you requesting space and peace in order to concentrate on the tasks you’re getting paid to do.
Graphic and rude
I recently went to a bar with my newish boyfriend and his mates. We had a good night, but I didn’t like the way his mates openly talked about his former lovers and active sex life. They were graphic and crude and I was left feeling extremely uncomfortable. On the way home I mentioned this incident and he flipped. He accused me of being an ‘uptight control freak’. It was nothing like that. All I said was that I felt shocked and embarrassed by the intimate nature of their remarks. Now he’s ignoring my texts although we haven’t officially broken up. What’s my next move?
JANE SAYS: You were made to feel uncomfortable in a public place. Not good. Clearly this guy didn’t like you criticising his precious pals, so blew a fuse and accused you of being a control freak, which was both unfair and uncalled for. You were fully entitled to speak your mind. If he wants to see you again then he knows where to find you. At that point you can have an adult conversation about where you’re both coming from. Personally, I think you’ve had a lucky escape. Both he and his mates sound horrible. Don’t be another notch on his bed post.
Be more normal
My girlfriend is into cosplay. She dresses up as a character from her favourite film series along with other friends from her old college. I don’t get it and my mates think she’s weird. I know she’s always liked fantasy stories, but why does she have to embarrass me like this? I have asked her to be more normal, but she won’t.
JANE SAYS: You may not approve of your lively girlfriend’s hobby, but not everyone is the same. Can’t you be proud of her willingness to be different? She doesn’t need your approval to be herself. Sadly, if you can’t celebrate her spirit, then I don’t see how you and she can stay together. You’ve got to respect the fact that she has style and is an individual.