JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who thinks he’s perfectly entitled to walk on the wild side
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If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Shallow grave
I’m a shallow guy and I’m the first to admit it.
I love female attention. I can take any amount of flattery, flirting and sex. I live a double life with numerous secret lovers. I know that I should behave myself, or even feel guilty, but I don’t. My long-term girlfriend has no idea that I enjoy a parallel life. She is the most wonderful person in the world.
She trusts me every time I go on the road as a salesman. She says she’s proud of me for putting in long nights and earning decent money, but I rarely hit my hotel pillows alone… Being on the road gives me the perfect opportunity to catch up with my other admirers. I have lovers scattered around the country, plus I enjoy occasional one-night stands with strangers too.
My best mate (who I also use as an alibi) is in a secure relationship. He says he loves me but rants at my exploits. He says I exasperate him. The other night we had a few drinks, and he really ripped into me calling me selfish and foolish. That hurt.
He also added that my girl deserves someone so much better than me, which hurt even more. The problem is that my girl truly loves me. She believes in me. Now his nosy partner has waded in and told me that I should finish with my girl, but how can I when it would break her heart? I worry that this annoying woman is going to nip in and tell my girl all about my secret life. How dare anyone else tell me what to do with my time and energy? How do I shut her down? I’m very careful to cover my tracks and don’t believe I’m hurting anyone.
JANE SAYS: Start being honest with yourself: Are you out of control? Have you become an embarrassment to yourself, your friends and your girlfriend? I’ll tell you what will really break your girlfriend’s heart; discovering that you sleep with a succession of other women behind her back. What about her dignity? What about her sexual health? Do you practise safe sex (i.e., with a condom) every time you cheat? If you no longer respect your girl, then you must set her free. At the moment you’re not being fair. She thinks that you’re one thing, but you’re quite another. Do the decent thing and come clean before she finds out the truth from a third party (possibly your mate’s partner) and is left utterly humiliated and destroyed.
Pick your moment and explain to her that you are not the person she deserves and needs. Be honest and describe what’s been going on. The fact is that not all relationships go the distance. We grow up; crave fresh experiences; or simply discover who we really are. What you cannot continue to do is leave your girl in limbo, because she deserves love and sexual contentment with someone who is on her side. From the sounds of things, the only person you care about is yourself. I get the impression that you’ve had a good run but now the proverbial is about to hit the fan. Both your mate and his partner can see you for what you are and are sickened and disgusted by you – and who can blame them?
Ooh La La
A few months ago, I decided to spice things up in the bedroom. I sent the kids off to stay with my parents for the weekend and invested in a sexy French Maid’s outfit. I created an alter ego character called FiFi.
For two nights my husband and I role-played cheeky romps. I tickled him with my feather duster, and we had sex all over the house.
After the weekend I hung up the costume, but now he is obsessed with FiFi and wants ‘her’ to make regular appearances. I feel insulted. How do I quietly put FiFi to bed without him losing interest in me?
JANE SAYS: Your husband now needs to understand that the good times can continue – but you both need to make more of an effort to keep things fresh.
You wanted to spice up your sex life and you clearly succeeded. Now your husband can’t detach the great sex from the character, but the sex was not reliant on a character, it was within you all the whole time. You are enough.
Don’t allow yourself to be persuaded to put that costume back on again if you don’t want to. Perhaps you should suggest your husband tries on a costume next and sees how things feel from your perspective. He needs to understand that your relationship can include fun and surprises, but there must be balance and respect.
Highly decorated
Our house currently looks like a witch’s cottage. There are Halloween decorations in virtually every room.
Once these come down on November 5th, my wife will start digging out the Christmas tree and tinsel.
The gaps between putting decorations up and taking them down is getting shorter. She also goes all out for Valentine’s Day and Easter too.
If there are no holidays coming up, she splurges for birthdays (ours and the dogs) – any excuse really.
Her seasonal decorations have taken over the home and drained our budget. It’s overwhelming and embarrassing (and feels childish) to host friends and family in a house that’s constantly full of balloons and sparkle.
JANE SAYS: Your wife clearly enjoys letting her imagination run riot, but she needs to be reminded that it’s your home too.
If her decorations are overwhelming and annoying you, then see if you can agree some middle ground.
Can you agree boundaries and time limits for any decorations going up and coming down? A few fairy lights are always cheerful but dusty, faded decorations can become depressing. Would your property benefit from a major de-clutter in general? If you’re both in need of a project, then why not invest in some paint and give your whole place a cheery refresh and make-over?
Useful idiot
My mate uses me to take photos of her for social media. We can’t go out on the town unless there’s a photo opportunity, I’m instructed to take hundreds of snaps for the perfect shot. Its draining. I recently told her I wasn’t prepared to be her personal photographer and now she’s sulking. Is it wrong of me to want to live in the moment?
JANE SAYS: It’s evident that your best friend sees you more as a facilitator than a true pal. It’s now up to her to decide how she wants to conduct your friendship. Arrange to speak and make it clear you are not interested in taking anymore photos because it’s boring… If that’s a deal breaker for her, then perhaps it’s time for you to find a new buddy. And her to get over herself…