Dear Jane,
Unfinished business
My guy fancies a threesome with his ex before we marry. He feels he needs to get her ‘out of his system’. They drifted apart in 2022 when she was offered a dream job in Paris. She moved over there within days while he stayed on in their rented flat. They tried to make their long-distance relationship work, but then she had a fling with a chef and they split.
Now he’s engaged to me and she’s back in Britain, but he still feels there’s ‘unfinished business’ between them. He complains that they split after five years without a proper ‘goodbye’.
He swears he loves me and fully intends to spend the rest of his life in my arms but feels if he sleeps with her just one more time, then that chapter will finally be closed. He’s not suggesting anything shifty or secretive.
Apparently, I don’t even have to join if I don’t want to; I can simply sit and watch because he doesn’t wish to conceal anything from me…
I’ve spoken to her on video calls a few times and she seems very nice. She has a new on-off boyfriend and assures me that she’s not interested in getting back with my bloke. She agrees that their split was clumsy and is willing to go along with the plan if it’ll make my guy happy. Could something like this work?
I love him with all my heart and am desperate to make him smile but is this the ultimate sacrifice?
What he doesn’t realise is that I’m secretly a very insecure and jealous person. Just imaging them together is enough to make my pulse race and my blood run cold. I don’t know what would feel worse, watching them at it or joining in. What can I say without appearing a spoil sport?
JANE SAYS: Your guy has a way of making his request sound reasonable. For several years he was with a woman he loved. Then circumstances forced them to part. Their split was hurried and messy. She went off to pursue her career in a foreign country while he licked his wounds. Now life has moved on, but she is still in the back of his mind.
Despite being committed to you, she still casts a shadow. You’re right to be worried about opening this can of worms. What if he enjoys the reunion sex session just a bit too much? What if he wishes to carry on seeing her?
Also, how can you be sure that this is the last request of this nature that he’s going to make? What if he comes up with another story about another ex-lover down the line? If he loves you then why does he want or need anyone else?
I’m sure that lots of people have been in relationships that have ended abruptly for one reason or another. His situation is by no means unique. Think this through. Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. Do you really know your fiancé properly at all? Don’t be afraid to call off the wedding if things don’t feel right or aren’t adding up. Maybe you’d be better off addressing your own feelings of insecurity and jealousy and growing as a (single) individual? I suggest you tread very carefully.
Benefit of the doubt
Back in June I made a genuine mistake at work. I miscalculated some figures and got hauled up in front of the bosses. My closest workmate dropped me like a radioactive lab rat. She refused to listen to my side of the story and avoided me in the office and canteen. All she cared only for her own skin and reputation.
Last month I was completely cleared and received a full apology from our boss. Amazingly she assumes we can be friends again. She’s acting like nothing happened. In fact, she’s hinting that I’m being unreasonable for not chatting to her as usual. How dare she?
JANE SAYS: Ask your boss to move you to another area because too much has gone on for you and your colleague to be close friends again. Sadly, she wasn’t there for you during your darkest moments. It’s possible that all staff members had been warned not to discuss the on-going incident/investigation, but you clearly feel she went out of her way to avoid being ‘tainted’ by you.
Vow to retain your dignity by getting on with your job maturely and professionally. Ultimately, you’re at work to complete your tasks and earn your salary.
Just because you are employed by the same company doesn’t mean that you have to be bosom buddies, so accept that things have changed and rise above.
Step up
My boyfriend is demanding I bring in more cash each month. He doesn’t care how I do it, but suggests I use my best asset (i.e., my body) to rake in the dosh.
He has no respect for the fact I work in the care industry (looking after the elderly) and thinks I should be selling worn knickers, used socks, or performing on-line. He thinks it’s a ‘no brainer’. I hate being controlled by him, but fear he’ll dump me, and I’ll be all alone if I don’t comply. I know that the cost of living is rising but why does he have to make things so awkward?
JANE SAYS: Do not allow yourself to be pimped out or manipulated by this individual. Believe in yourself and turn to friends and family for support. Be honest about your situation. If anything he suggests doesn’t sit well with you, then find the strength to tell him to ‘get stuffed’. There’s no denying that there’s a ‘cost of living crisis’. I’m sure he thinks he’s very clever, but your body is your business. What might he have planned next? Paying punters coming into the home?
Get out now while you still have the confidence and the ability to do so.
A little respect
My boyfriend never steps up when his mates are rude and insulting towards me. He sits there, pretending he can’t hear them slagging me off. I’m more than capable of sticking up for myself but would like him to support me. Recently I let rip when his best mate overstepped the mark and now my guy is accusing ME of overreacting.
JANE SAYS: Unfortunately, your bloke is never there for you when you need him to be. He twiddles his thumbs whenever his obnoxious mates are rude. Is he made of jelly? Does he care more for them than you? Tell him that you both need new friends and a fresh start. Sadly, if he doesn’t agree, then wish him ‘good luck’ because you can’t stay with anyone who doesn’t have your back.
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