QUENTIN LETTS: Ms Mahmood whacked out her plans. Behind her? Schism. Disgust. The Left was going nuts

You could see division spreading across the Labour benches. The slow-motion cracking of a looking-glass. Fissures on a mountainside of crusted snow, moments before ‘avalanche!’

At the despatch box stood Shabana Mahmood, a small, penetrating bundle of consonants and tight vowels as she whacked out her plans for the immigration system. Her jet-black hair swung with each syllable.

Behind her? Schism. Disgust. The Left was going nuts.

How dare a Labour minister ‘clamp down’ on our lenient immigration system? ‘Straight out of the fascist playbook!’ cried Zarah Sultana, who recently left Labour to join Jeremy Corbyn‘s balloon trip. Ms Sultana even played the ‘Enoch Powell’ card.

‘It flies in the face of decency and compassion,’ sobbed Nadia Whittome (Lab, Nottingham E). Old Afzal Khan (Lab, Manchester Rusholme) was so upset, his hair had turned purple. ‘Deeply offensive,’ said Olivia Blake (Lab, Sheffield Hallam). 

The Plaid Cymru leader Liz Saville Roberts called the measures ‘performative cruelty’ and said ‘Caerphilly’ as many times as possible, rolling the r with rrrrrrelish. You’d never guess she’s from London.

Yes, quite a few Labour MPs did nod as Ms Mahmood laid out her plan. Her supporters managed to catch the Deputy Speaker’s eye early, but then came a torrent of dissenters. 

Wildly differing views were spouted by Labour MPs sitting beside one another. They lowered or shook their heads and crossed their arms while muttering verdicts to neighbours.

On the front bench a government whip, Nesil Caliskan, turned to her neighbour Jake Richards, who happens to be a justice minister, and rolled her eyes. Ms Caliskan had been listening closely to the Home Secretary. Her gesture to young Richards looked based directly on something Ms Mahmood had just said.

At the despatch box stood Shabana Mahmood, a small, penetrating bundle of consonants and tight vowels as she whacked out her plans for the immigration system, writes Quentin Letts

Ms Mahmood’s comments attracted flak from prominent members of the parliamentary Left, including former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, who accused the Home Secretary of ‘trying to appease the most ghastly Right-wing forces’

For a whip to flaunt such apparent disagreement with a senior minister in the same government: extraordinary. Mr Richards left as soon as he could. 

Kemi Badenoch, unusually choosing to give the Opposition’s response to a ministerial statement, played a low trick: she offered Ms Mahmood the Conservatives’ votes to get her proposals through the Commons. Labour backsides shifted. They hated the thought of the supposedly goose-stepping Tories supporting a Labour proposal.

Mrs Badenoch worked in some digs at Yvette Cooper, saying this Home Secretary was a great improvement on the Great Headwobbler. 

Antonia Bance (Lab, Tipton) screamed abuse at Mrs Badenoch. David Williams (Lab, Stoke N) leapt around like a monkey with fleas. Amanda Martin (Lab, Portsmouth N) almost garrotted herself with her necklace, she was becoming so agitated.

Ian Lavery (Lab, Blyth & Ashington) later argued that when the Tories and others on the Right supported a Labour idea, ‘it’s time to question whether we’re in the right place’.

The Lib Dems, as ever, tucked themselves in on the Left of the Government. Their bloke, a middle-class, white smoothie, pooh-poohed something about how the Government was making an unnecessary palaver and trying to impress Right-wing voters.

Ms Mahmood biffed him wonderfully, roaring that she knew a lot more about how racist Britain was becoming as a result of unfair immigration. She was the one, she raged, who was called ‘a f***ing P***’ and was told to go home.

At that, the right eyebrow of Deputy Speaker Caroline Nokes kicked as high as a can-can dancer’s leg. She obliged Ms Mahmood to apologise for her fruity language.

The Lib Dem smoothie, meanwhile, had gone all pink and cross-eyed. Plainly isn’t spoken to enough like that.

Jeremy Corbyn (Ind, Islington N) felt that Ms Mahmood was ‘trying to appease the most ghastly Right-wing forces’. In reply she told him he should do some more reading into the issue. ‘Not for the first time I am mystified by what he is talkin’ about.’

Up next: Richard Burgon (Lab, Leeds E) yowled that she was ‘scraping the bottom of the barrel’. Charlotte Nichols (Lab, Warrington N) had turned orange. Beside her Sarah Owen (Lab, Luton N) scowled, a face so pointed that it could have popped a paper bag.

Eheu, peevishness and perturbation on every bench!