‘He’s bonked 50 lovers in his large mattress however his lumpy mattress grosses me out’
JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who feels queasy sleeping in a bed where so many other lovers have humped before
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Not mush room
My boyfriend expects me to have sex on a bed that has seen 50 lovers before me. Gross.
Back in September, when he invited me to move in with him, I ordered him to redecorate and refurnish his filthy flat. I insisted that he needed to clear his clutter, buy fresh linen and get the bathroom fixed.
Most of all I stormed that I wouldn’t sleep in the bed that he shared with his ex-wives, ex-partners and at least 50 ex-lovers. He agreed. I gave up my room in my flatshare and hauled my stuff over to his place. But now that I’m here it’s clear that he hasn’t made any effort at all. The clutter has been shoved in the spare room, which is now stuffed with old magazines, records and trainers etc
The shower and toilet still don’t work properly and, worst of all, his horrible ‘shag palace’ of a bed is still in pride of place in his bedroom.
It’s a wrought iron beast of a thing with a grubby mattress that has seen too much action. I swear that you could grow mushrooms on it…
He huffs that I’m fussy and attention seeking for making this an issue. He tells me to ‘get over myself’ because it’s a perfectly serviceable (and expensive) piece of furniture. But I know that his second wife enjoyed mild bondage and group sex. Just imagining him cavorting on its lumpy mattress turns my stomach. During the early days of our relationship, I once caught them at it when he told me they’d split up. I’ll never forget seeing her handcuffed to the headboard. Their ‘final fling’ is burnt into my brain forever. How do I make him understand that I’m serious about a fresh start when he doesn’t like spending money at the best of times?
JANE SAYS: What a shame you didn’t inspect the premises and ensue that the upgrades you requested were in place before you gave up your room in a flatshare and moved in. Now you find yourself in a property that is less than savoury with a man who hasn’t taken you seriously.
This is more about respect and listening. If your new lover isn’t prepared to take your feelings into consideration than that doesn’t bode well for the
future. If he’s mean with money, then isn’t that going to continue to irritate and grate?
Will he be equally inflexible about other issues as they pop up during the course of your relationship?
He needs to realise that yours is a young love, and this is a fresh start for both of you. Suggest you pool your resources to fund a replacement bed.
Set to and dedicate some weekends to clearing out the mess and getting whatever needs to be freshened up and fixed. Sadly, if he really won’t meet you halfway then is he the guy for you?
The last thing you want is someone who is stubborn and stuck in his ways. I get the impression that he’s hoping you’ll stop kicking back and simply get on with the business of living in his mess. Never forget that living in chaos and filth can have a detrimental effect on our mental and physical health. You are entitled to better.
Not going out
I’m going through a nasty break up with my long term partner. He’s being mean and vile.
I’m worried that I won’t be able to pick up the pieces once the break-up negotiations finally end. I used to be a confident outgoing person, I loved office life, pubs and clubs. Now I find every excuse not to go out – even to the supermarket. I’ve lost my confidence. I feel dowdy and irrelevant. My neighbour says I’ve become agoraphobic. The thought of throwing myself back into the dating scene scares me. Is this my life now?
JANE SAYS: It’s going to take a while for your life to feel ‘normal’ again and there really is no rush. Don’t put undue pressure on yourself and vow to move at your own pace. You’re not in competition with anyone because you’re an individual and you don’t have to justify yourself or answer to anyone. It could be that your whole life will be totally different in future because you’re ready for a change. Perhaps you’ve already ‘done’ all the clubbing and rushing around you ever needed to do.
Keep talking to those you trust and your family. Be open and honest because we’re allowed to admit that we’re scared. No one is asking you to be superhuman. Arrange to speak to your GP if you’re struggling to cope.
