‘Mate says I ought to be ready to bonk my companion any time, anyplace, anyplace’
JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who has been read the riot act by a horny friend
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Always up for a fumble
My friend says I must have sex any time my guy wants it – or I’ll lose him. She points out that he’s a decent, solvent guy and that other girls will snap him up if I don’t keep him satisfied and happy in the bedroom.
Is she right? She believes the key to a happy relationship is always being available for love; what’s an hour of my time if it’ll keep my guy interested? She says she’s always up for a fumble.
But I don’t always feel sexy or body confident. I can’t simply drop what I’m doing and roll into bed on command. I have to prepare both mentally and physically. My partner is far more highly sexed than I am. I fear that if I adopt her attitude then he’ll never leave me alone.
JANE SAYS: Your friend is free to conduct her relationship anyway she likes, but you’re an individual. It’s great that she’s found a solution that works for her, but you can’t allow her to cajole you into following her lead if what she’s suggesting doesn’t feel right. I believe the person you should be discussing sex with is your partner.
If you have different needs in the bedroom, then go over them and agree to compromise so that neither of you feels underserved or resentful. If nothing else, at least your friend’s confession has encouraged you to think and start the conversation.
My Grinch has stollen Christmas
My bloke has put the kibosh on Christmas. He’s banned anyone coming into our house from now until January 2nd. He’s not interested in offering my parents so much as a mulled wine or slab of stollen. For Christmas dinner he wants a simple meal of egg and chips, without any of our friends or family in attendance. I’ve had to ring round and put off everyone I’d invited and they’re not happy.
There’s no denying that he’s become reclusive and stubborn in this past year. He switched to full time working from home last February and he’s changed.
He mutters that he’s bored of our old friends. He says they’re a bunch of gannets and users. He insists that our ‘entertaining days are over’. The problem is that I’m a sociable person; I love cooking and making people happy. I even enjoy going to the supermarket and finding interesting ingredients that bring a smile to the face. I love a bargain and a culinary challenge. Last year I hosted six separate parties between December 20th and January 2nd. I was in my element. Now I feel as though I’ve had my wings clipped.
He says he now prefers solitude; he’s sick of the two-day clear ups that parties inevitably entail and would like our life to be calmer and cheaper.
He’s even banned my movie club pals from coming here from January 1st and says we’ll have to go to the pub in future instead. I’m furious. How dare this Grinch attempt to steal Christmas when friends and relatives are vitally important to me – and my mental health?
JANE SAYS: I doubt if your partner is alone in wishing to retreat into his shell. I suspect a lot of people who work from home have got used to their own company during the dark days of winter. Now that festive season is upon us, it could be that he feels overwhelmed or even frightened at the prospect of dressing up and engaging in conversation with different people.
Tell him that you are sympathetic and understand but it’s your home too. Comprise must be the key, especially at this late stage. Can he be persuaded to meet you halfway with a couple of smaller, more intimate gatherings? I agree that huge dinner parties can be intimidating, expensive and exhausting. But not allowing your parents and your closest friends into your home is radical and unfair.
Is money an issue? Is he keeping debts or a drop in income from you? Is he suffering with his own mental health and keeping his feelings bottled up? You need to talk about this stuff. I worry that if you follow his wishes to the letter this year, then you’ll never get back into the swing of entertaining again. As for the New Year, suggest he goes out or sits in another room when your movie club friends come over. You cannot allow yourself to be closed down or told what to do when you need your pals around you.
Blasted for being selfish
An ex-neighbour has accused me of neglect. She’s branded me selfish and uncaring.
Her brother died suddenly in August. As soon as I heard the news, I texted her. I then sent a card and flowers. I couldn’t attend the funeral but followed up with a potted plant. Now she’s blasted me in a vicious letter. Apparently other people took her out meals and even gave her cash.
I feel terrible. It didn’t cross my mind to reach out and do more. I moved away from her street in 2021. How do I begin to explain that I have family problems of my own?
JANE SAYS: It’s unfortunate that your ex-neighbour has decided to direct her grief and anger towards you. I get the impression that you and she were once close, but you haven’t lived near her for years. The fact is that you gave as much of yourself as you were able to. If you couldn’t visit and deliver hot meals, then you cannot feel guilty about that. You’re not in competition.
Write back and explain that you’re sorry that she’s upset but you have a lot going on in your own life and hope you can still be friends. Take care of yourself and suggest she checks out cruse.org.uk.
