‘My attractive girlfriend is nice in mattress however I gag each time I am going into her flat’
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Health hazard
My new girlfriend lives like a slob.
She’s very clever and attractive but her flat looks like a bomb site. Her clothes are all over the floor. Her make-up is ground into the carpet and there are dirty mugs and plates piled high.
Every time we go out on a date, she manages to scrub up and look fantastic but going back to her place for sex is a health hazard.
The one-and-only time she invited me up for coffee I honestly thought she’d been burgled and that the thieves had trashed the place. The smell of sour milk was horrendous. I literally gagged as I walked in the door and rushed to open the windows.
There were greasy pizza boxes on the sofa and damp towels in the kitchen. Her bedlinen looked like it hadn’t been washed in months. I made my excuses and left…
The next day I tried to break up with her. I explained my feelings in full. She begged me for a second chance. She promised to clean up her act. Since then, we’ve been on a lot of lovely dates, but I won’t set foot in her flat. She only ever comes here, to my place, for passion. We have a fantastic sex life, and she showers and washes her clothes here. What worries me is that any time I ask how the clean-up is going in her own place, she admits she’s still in a pickle and then changes the subject. Recently she’s been complaining about her rent going up. She’s struggling to make ends meets. I know that she’d like us to live together. But I’m not convinced that our values align and that she’s capable of living as I do, long term.
JANE SAYS: Are you inclined to meet your girl halfway with a big, spring clean-up? If she is stuck, like a rabbit in headlights, unable to work out where to start first, might you dedicate a weekend to scrubbing, cleaning and blitzing at her place. It would be a kind thing to do and might just set her on the path to organisation and better, personal habits. It’s up to you. The reality is many of us lose our way in life. Situations change or we’re faced with challenges and stuff piles up. Your girl is clearly able to look after herself in your home, which is neat and orderly. I suspect she dreads going back to her own place, which is overwhelming and depressing.
Is there an aspect of her past that she’d be happy to talk about? Did something happen in her childhood or during a previous relationship that tripped her up and caused her to lose control?
Don’t put pressure on her but it would be enlightening if she could relax and be honest.
Ultimately, you must decide how much she means to you and how much you’re prepared to put yourself out to help and support her.
Are you interested in digging deeper or is this where you decide that her situation is too complicated and you bail? Think everything through.
Crazy in love
I can’t stand being around my loved-up sister (24) at the moment. She’s madly in lust with a new boyfriend.
Our cousin recently organised a dinner party for her birthday. My sister turned up with her bloke, even though he wasn’t invited.
They snogged like a pair of horny teens. Eventually they slid under the dining table where they proceeded to grope and groan.
My cousin went crazy and bawled them out. People were looking at me, as if it was my fault. Now half my family aren’t speaking to the other.
JANE SAYS: Your sister and her new fella are going through that annoying, loved up stage. They’ll soon come back down to Earth. At that point you’ll be able to tell her that she’s been a pain, and she’ll (hopefully) apologise for upsetting everyone. But don’t expect any sense out of her at the moment, because her emotions are all over the place.
No one could blame your cousin for being angry and humiliated. She had organised a special meal to celebrate her birthday and your sister spoilt it by making sure all eyes and ears where on her.
Try and level with your cousin.
Presumably she’s known your sis for as long as you have. Deep down she knows she’s not a bad person. It’s just that she’s thinking with her heart – not her head
Prince charming
A colleague is obsessed with me
He keeps boasting that he will break me down and force me to fall in love with him. He’s quite good looking and fit with it, but he’s not my type. I find him too flash and pleased with himself. Other people think he’s funny and ‘a charmer’. Rather than being flattered by his attention, I feel intimated. My boss is organising a huge summer party. I’m dreading it as my ‘admirer’ is already telling people that he intends to pounce. Help.
JANE SAYS: This man knows what he’s doing and he’s harassing you. You’ve become his challenge. I suggest you grab a diary and make a note of everything that has happened so far – every comment, date and detail. Confide in trusted family members for support. Then make an appointment and speak to your HR department. I know it’s tough and embarrassing but it’s important that you
make it clear that you cannot get on with your job in peace. Also check out ACAS (www.acas.org.uk). You cannot allow someone like this to intimidate or bully you. Enjoy that office summer party with your head held high and vow to be your own person. You’ve done nothing wrong.
Trust issues
My girlfriend never talks about her feelings. She is emotionally cold. We have a lot of good sex and she’s as physically passionate but she’s never said, “I love you”. His best mate puts this frostiness down to my girl’s horrible parents. But as my girl refuses to talk about her childhood or her folks, I struggle to sympathise or understand.
JANE SAYS: Your girl sounds a wounded, lost individual.
Would she consider any form of counselling? Could you ask her to meet you halfway? If the answer is no, then do you try and focus on her good points in the knowledge that you probably can’t change her?
Take into account that she’s affectionate, isn’t cruel or mean and is there for you. Ultimately, is what you have together enough?
