‘My mate is uncontrolled – she’s bonking her married boss and swinging with neighbours’
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn’t slowing down.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email [email protected]. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
No respect
My oldest mate has lost her mind.
She’s getting drunk and having sex with her married boss in his office. She’s taking part in group sex sessions with swinging neighbours and getting off with strangers off the Internet. She’s freshly divorced and out of control. I’m struggling to recognise her.
She calls me several times a day to boast about her ‘hilarious’ exploits. I’m forced to fake an interest, but I don’t care who she’s shagging.
Her current boss/lover seems to allow her to chat all day. She calls me whenever she fancies it. She doesn’t respect the fact that I have a job to do and bills to pay and can’t indulge her nonsense.
Too many times, my demanding line manager has caught me gossiping to her. I’ve had to pretend that my Dad is ill to justify the number of personal calls I take. I hate lying and I’m terrified that my mate’s constant bombardment is going to lose me my job. I get it that she’s excited, sexed up and feels amazing, but she’s doing my head in and has no understanding of my position. The other day I expressly told her that I had an important conference all day and wouldn’t be able to answer my mobile. Yet she still badgered me until I picked up. She was desperate to boast about a luxury trip to Paris that her lover/boss has managed to wangle for them on expenses.
My boyfriend (who can’t stand her) blasts that she has no respect for me or my situation. I think he’s right. No matter how many times I tell her that I can’t talk, she calls me anyway and expects me to be on the phone for at least 30 minutes at a time.
Help.
JANE SAYS: Sadly, this selfish person doesn’t give two hoots for your job, your income or your stability. She’s only interested in herself and needs an audience to survive. If she didn’t have you to brag to, then what would she do? You give her an outlet for her excitement and racy stories. It all sounds rather immature, tawdry and pathetic to me.
This shallow, female is so wrapped up in her own little world of sex, men and partying that she’s lost all sense of reality. I bet you could lay your phone on the desk, go and write a three-page report and she wouldn’t even notice you’d gone.
Remember that you don’t owe her anything. If she’s not willing to acknowledge your position, then tell her, ‘not now’ and cut her off. Then, have a chat with her, face-to-face and tell her that you can’t take any more personal calls. The fact is that she won’t pay your bills if you lose your job, will she?
It’s unusual that her adoring boss is willing to indulge her, but that doesn’t help you.
Imagine how angry you’d be if your line manager suddenly pulled the plug and threw you out for misconduct or wasting company time. Think about it. You must start putting yourself first or you could end up in hot water. She is not a real friend. She is a user.
Nervous customer
A few months ago, my Mum’s partner left her.
It was very sudden and a big shock. My poor Mum hasn’t been the same since. I’m trying to be supportive, but I can’t do anything right.
The other morning, I popped round to see her. Her place was a complete tip. It took me three hours to clean it up and she got cross with me for ‘making a fuss’.
I offered to make her some food, but she threw me out because I was getting on her nerves.
She and I used to be so close.
JANE SAYS: Your poor mother has suffered an unexpected blow and is struggling to cope. It’s clear she’s still not coming to terms with her ex-partner’s departure.
I suspect that she was having a particularly bad day on the morning you popped round. First, you criticised the mess and then you got under her feet. I understand that you were simply trying to help, but, sadly, you overwhelmed her; she lost her temper and let fly. Respect the fact that her nerves are on a knife-edge. I know you’re suffering too, but no one likes to be criticised. Encourage your mother to visit her GP regarding the stress she’s under. Also, find it in your heart to forgive her outburst, which was said in the heat of the moment and I’m sure she didn’t mean.
Green grass
My girl is never satisfied. She always believes that life will be better in a new house or town.
In the six years we’ve been together we’ve lived in three properties in three different locations.
Now she’s talking about moving again.
What makes me angry is that we only moved here because she wanted to be near her oldest friend, who she’s since fallen out with. We both work from home and can operate from anywhere, but I’m not prepared to be uprooted all over again.
JANE SAYS: Moving home is traumatic. It’s right up there with death, divorce and the birth of a child in terms of stress. That, coupled with the expense, makes it a very big deal. Why does she always think that things will be better in the next location? Could it be that her unhappiness is in her own head and that she’ll never settle anywhere, because she carries her discontent with her? Have a serious chat with her and suggest she gets professional help if she’s anxious or depressed. It’s true that some people are ‘rolling stones’ they like to keep moving on and trying new experiences. But if you and she and are in an equal relationship, then compromises must be found.
Lesson learnt
Last September my son told me that his daughter was struggling at school. Could I transfer £100 a month towards a private tutor? Now my son has let it slip that he never engaged a tutor and that he’s spending my £800 on a holiday. I’m furious, especially as he’s not sorry and is still expecting the £100 a month.
JANE SAYS: Let it be known that you’re disappointed and feel cheated. Do you push this and insist your son repays the money in full or do you resolve never to trust him or give him any money again in future?
This is a tricky one, because it’s never a good idea to fall out with family. Equally you can’t allow anyone to rip you off or take you for granted.
