‘Girlfriend sneaks out through the evening and comes house stinking of intercourse with one other man’
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn’t slowing down.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email [email protected]. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Cheap aftershave
My partner is the most secretive person I’ve ever met. She says she works in ‘sales’ for an international company but I’ve never been to her place of work or met any of her colleagues. I’ve accused her of being everything from a sex worker to an international spy but am still no closer to understanding what really goes on in her head and in her life. Sometimes I’m aware that she leaves the house when she thinks I’m asleep. I peek at her getting up and getting dressed. She creeps out. I hear the car start up and screech away and she doesn’t return until about 5am. When I confront her, she says I’m crazy and must have been dreaming.
Why do I put up with this charade? Because the truth frightens me. I love her so much and couldn’t stand to lose her.
I suspect that that she has another lover; someone who doesn’t mind sharing her.
But I mind very much that she’s messing with my mind. My brother tells me that I should get tough and front her up but upsetting her isn’t in my best interests because she earns a lot more than I do and pays all the bills.
Sometimes she pretends that she’s been to the gym for a workout or a 10k run. She rushes into the shower before I can question her further. Yet I can detect sex on her. I suspect her lover uses cheap aftershave because she often has a musky smell about her. I know I’m being weak and hate myself for being a push over, but this situation is so big it terrifies me.
JANE SAYS: You need to start trusting your instincts. You know, full well, that your girl isn’t a government spy or international art thief.
The chances are that she’s having a very ordinary affair with someone who lives close by.
I know it’s tempting to bury your head in the sand, but you must confront her about her strange habits. If she really is going from your bed; to another person; and then back to you again then something must give.
I understand that you’re worried about rocking the boat, and jeapordising your cushy lifestyle, but you must consider your self-respect, your dignity and your sexual health.
Front her up tonight and tell her that you’re not stupid. Point out that you have eyes and ears and don’t imagine things.
You know that something is going on, so ask her to be straight with you. Who is this other person and what does he (or even she) mean to her?
Whatever happens, don’t allow her to destroy your confidence or your future. If this relationship can’t be saved; if it’s run its course and you must admit defeat, then cry your tears, brush yourself off and then start again.
I suspect she’ll respect you more for calling her out.
Sadly, at the moment, she’s treating you like a sop, and you’re worth better than that.
I don’t believe it
My boyfriend bears grudges. In the six years we’ve been together he’s fallen out with all our neighbours over everything from dogs and bonfires to noise. He’s currently conducting a feud against a couple opposite who he thinks deliberately park their car to annoy him. Any time I suggest he chills out and gets on with his life he accuses me of being unsupportive and shallow.
He says its people like me who are responsible for a general drop in standards. Help.
JANE SAYS: Can’t you ask your chap to grow up and simply live and let live? Is he perfect? Has he never made a noise or parked inconsiderately? The more he complains, the more intolerable and miserable he’s going to be to live with. Do you want that? Can you really stand to live the rest of your life with your very own Victor Meldrew on the premises? He sounds like an absolute pain; someone who is so hung up on the small stuff that he’s forgetting to live in the moment. One day he’s going to wake up – a middle-aged man – and wonder: “Where did my youth go?” Tell him that attitudes must change if you’re to stay together. If he really can’t sort himself out, then you’ll have to think about moving on.
Surely life is too short for any of this nonsense?
Guilty conscience
Last month I went away on a stag trip.
I told the groom upfront that I wouldn’t be drinking.
Yet on the first night, someone handed me a beer and I was off. I proceeded to drink like an idiot for the entire trip. On the last night I slept with a stranger. I woke up the next morning feeling like death, and I haven’t been able to touch my girl since.
I know that she’s confused, because our sex life used to be good. I’m terrified that she’s going to leave me. Short of telling her the truth, what can I do? The guilt is killing me.
JANE SAYS: Surely the truth is going to come out anyway? If you were on a rowdy stag holiday with a load of mates, then someone is inevitably going to blab.
I don’t understand why NOT telling your partner the truth is even an option? Surely it would be best for both of you to come clean? Keeping quiet is not the solution because your conscience is eating you up.
You’re so ashamed that you’re pushing your girl away she doesn’t know why. Owning up is going to be hard, but doesn’t she deserve to hear about this from you?
Hard core
My new boyfriend and I are at odds over sex. Recently, we were in bed talking about fantasises.
I mentioned fancying James Bond-types, while he went overboard about group sex; girl-on-girl action; sex toys and heavy porn. I was shocked. He claimed that he was just being honest. I’m freaked out.
JANE SAYS: Take this new relationship day-by-day.
You’re an individual with a mind of your own, so keep your options open. If, in the future, he does ask you to get involved with something you’re not comfortable with, then just say ‘no thanks’. Remember that you don’t owe him anything. That said, it was brave of him to speak up and lay out his sexual preferences so early in the relationship. At least you know now where you stand.
