‘We bonked and associates jeered then threw rolls at us – now he is blackmailing me’

JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who is feeling scared now that her desperate ex-lover is back on the scene

If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.

Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.

If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email [email protected]. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.

Alarm bells

I fear an old flame is attempting to blackmail me. Five years ago, I had a fling with a fella from my firm. We knew we were both married.

We liked a drink and regularly visited the pub after work for a flirt and a chat. We finally had sex during a training weekend in Leeds. We hit the hotel bar after the last lecture on the Saturday night and ended up back in my room. We had a laugh. The sex was rough and urgent, and he stayed with me until morning.

The next day, we staggered down to breakfast. Colleagues jeered, threw bred rolls at us and (justifiably) took the pee. We even snogged and groped in the train toilets on the way home.

We carried on seeing each other for about six weeks until his wife found out (I think my ex-boss possibly tipped her off) and we split.

I grew up and rededicated myself to my marriage. My colleague/lover moved to a new job, and I’ve never seen or heard from him again – until now.

The other day, a colleague said a strange man had been calling the office line asking whether I still worked there. Now I’ve just received the oddest handwritten letter. It’s from my ex-lover suggesting we meet up ‘for a chat’. He’s divorced, unemployed and broke. He wonders if I can help him out with a small loan. Is this blackmail or it is simply an old mate asking for a favour? I feel chilled to the bone and am too scared to show the letter to my husband in case he starts asking questions.

JANE SAYS: A man you once had a fling with is now asking for a meeting and money. He’s not an ‘old friend’, he’s an ex-lover who has fallen on hard times. Why has he chosen you to target? Why not his extended family or older friends?

I think you can assume that this is letter IS a clumsy attempt at blackmail. I suggest you put the letter in a safe place. Don’t respond to it or arrange to see this man and wait to see what happens next. Above all don’t let him make you feel responsible for his problems. In an ideal world you’d tell your husband everything and then think about showing the letter to the police. Is that an option? Does your husband deserve to hear, from your lips, that you cheated on him?

What you can’t so is allow this ex to ruin the life you have now. Yes, you made a very big mistake, but you didn’t break the law, and you don’t deserve to be haunted or scared. Do not allow yourself to be intimidated and do not hand over a penny.

Reading between the lines you seem to have sobered up and got your new life in order.

But if alcohol is still a problem for you, then do remember that you can speak to your GP about any problem drinking or check out Alcoholics Anonymous on 0800 9177 650. The email address is [email protected].

Her sleight of hand

My girlfriend keeps sneaking her stuff into my flat. We don’t live together, but she sleeps over several times a week. We have a good sex life and I fancy her.

When I first found her toothbrush in the bathroom I gave it back to her with the words: “Nice try”. Since then, she’s tried to leave clothes in my wardrobe.

Now I’ve just spotted a fluffy blanket on the part of the sofa where she usually sits.

She’s encroaching on my space. All I want is a casual, open relationship.

JANE SAYS: This is not about confrontation; this is about being honest and telling the truth. If you’re grown up enough to have sex with this woman, then you’re grown up enough to speak your mind.

If you don’t want her moving in with you, then look her in the eye and explain that.

Make it clear that she’s got it all wrong; you’re not in the market for a live-in lover. A few nights of passion a week is enough for you. If she’s happy with that, then you’ve got yourself an understanding. If she’s not, then you and she will have to think again. She’s trying to her luck, but it’s up to you to lay down your rules in your home. Ultimately, she may decide that you’re not what she’s looking for.

Kicking around

My husband has given up work too early. He’s only 40 and living off the money his late dad left him. He follows me around the house issuing his orders.

He’s a nightmare in the supermarket; always wanting to buy budget brands.

We don’t have children and I still work full-time. I don’t need him telling ME how to run my life. I love my husband but am not prepared to put up with any rubbish from anyone.

JANE SAYS: Sit your man down and very calmly tell him that he’s on dangerous ground. Yes, you understand that he’s finding his feet, but he’s to stop treading on your toes.

If he needs a project, a challenge or something to do, then he needs to sort himself out. What about helping family or neighbours? Has he considered charity work, adult education or redecorating the house?

You need to be clear that he needs to take this matter seriously or it could become a marriage breaker.

If he doesn’t have any hobbies, then he needs to find some of those too – pronto.

Sadly, this is a very common problem as it’s hard for active people when they retire from busy jobs, but solutions and compromises have to be found.

Spooky goings on

My new sister-in-law thinks she’s too good for us. She reluctantly comes to my family gatherings, but I see her turning her nose up at my home and my food.

Now I hear that she and my brother are having a big, Halloweeen – and none of us are invited. It’s all her friends and family. Should I say something to my brother?

JANE SAYS: You’re entitled to explain to your brother how you feel.

The problem is that his loyalties are with this new wife now and he may not wish to rock the boat. Don’t allow her to get under your skin.

Get on with your lives and rise above her pettiness. Hopefully she’ll grow up soon. Organise your own bash with your friends and the people you really care about.