‘Jealous mum denies me a intercourse life – she storms in to catch me bonking’
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Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
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If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email [email protected]. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Gilded cage
My mum is denying me a sex life. She thinks it’s disgusting that I fancy my boyfriend and like sleeping with him. More than once she’s stormed into my bedroom when she’s knows we’ve gone up for an early night…
She doesn’t like me going out with any friends – male or female – because her own mother, my gran, was controlling.
Mum says it’s not fair that I have fun when she was never allowed to go to pubs or parties as a teenager.
She’s newly single after my step-dad left home. She views me as her own, personal property; her side-kick; someone she can call upon to keep her company.
But I’m 19 and don’t want to stay in each night with her.
She makes me feel guilty for wanting my own life. She sulks and stops talking to me whenever I dare to stand up for myself. This sucks.
Help.
JANE SAYS: A negative pattern is repeating itself.
Your mum needs to be (politely) reminded that you are off a different generation.
The issues and petty jealousies that she experienced with her own mother are nothing to do with you.
I urge you to stand up for yourself and live your life to the full. These are your golden years and you are entitled to love and friendship. Are there other adult relatives or family friends who can back you up?
What about her making new friends, or joining new clubs and making something of her own (new) life? She has to start understanding that you and she are now equal adults in a challenging world.
Done with the disrespect
I’m earning all the money, yet everyone treats me like dirt. I’m working ten hour days yet there’s no respect for me or what I do. At the moment our house is packed.
As well as my wife and our son (who refuses to get a job) we have my in-laws visiting from South Africa. I don’t know how long they’re here for but they’re bathing and drinking a lot. I come home at 9pm and there’s nothing left for me to eat. I talk about my day, and everyone tells me to ‘shut up’.
How does that work?
JANE SAYS: It sounds like you’re about to snap.
Ask your wife for a sit-down chat. Explain that you can’t continue to support so many ungrateful people when you’re on your knees. Something must give, and attitudes need to change.
Firstly, get a fixed moving out date for your in-laws because their continued presence is costing too much in terms of cash and family harmony. Do they need to move into a motel until their flight leaves?
Secondly does your son need support and guidance regarding his next move? Is he stuck because he’s unhappy and scared? Don’t trivialise his anxiety. As for you, does your wife have a problem with you or your marriage in general? Where did the respect go and how do you get it back?
Leopard and spots
My brother is a vile person. Growing up he bullied and upset me. He hit me and broke everything I cared about.
I was forced to eat my meals in record time, or he’d take the food off my plate. He consumed porn from a young age and treated his various girlfriends with contempt.
Now he’s engaged to a lovely woman. He’s 33 and I can tell he’s putting on an act by pretending to be kind and loving. I know he’ll flip once they’re married. Should I warn her now?
Does she deserve to hear the truth?
JANE SAYS: Your story is yours to tell.
You had a unique experience growing up. It could be that your brother was jealous of you and didn’t appreciate the sibling competition for attention and affection. Pick your moment and explain to your (possible) future sister-in-law how things were for you.
Then it’s up to her how she proceeds.
Admittedly your brother might not appreciate you sticking your nose in, but will you be able to forgive yourself if she’s hurt or even abused down the line?
In an ideal world he will have matured and cleaned up his act. Do you think that’s likely?
