‘He now not has intercourse together with his attractive spouse – so desires a sham wedding ceremony with me’
Dear Jane,
Bride and groomed
I was due to get married in December. I’ve planned a classic Christmas wedding – all red velvet and ivy. Yet my partner has stunned me by announcing that he’s already married. I had no idea.
He travels a lot with his job, so I’m used to him being away for long stretches at a time. Now he’s attempting to play the whole thing down. Apparently, his wife lives abroad, and they’ve not had sex for years.
He says the marriage was merely a formality; a way of forging business links, but I’m steaming.
I’ve done a bit of digging around; I’ve spoken to some of his mates who attended his 2019 wedding (before he met me) and everything was legit. I’ve seen pictures in which he’s laughing, dancing, and kissing his bride.
To be fair, she’s still living in her homeland and, he says, she has no plans to come here, but where does this leave me? I can’t bring myself to have sex with him because I keep imagining him with her – and she’s much prettier than I am.
He pleads that we can still go ahead with a pretend ceremony; that it’ll have just as much meaning as we love each other, and he doesn’t love her.
Has he lost his mind? Have I lost mine for continuing to tolerate him? He urges me to calm down; he says I’m making a big deal of nothing.
But how can my man suddenly announcing that he’s married to someone else be ‘nothing’?
My friends are telling me to ditch him, but I’m too ashamed to confide in my parents because they have never liked or trusted him since he attempted to scam them.
JANE SAYS: You must keep your head and think straight. The fact is that your man is married to someone else – and has no plans to divorce her.
It doesn’t how many people you invite or how much you spend on food and drink; any ceremony or breakfast you organise with him will be fake and non-binding.
He may fancy the idea of enjoying the best of both worlds, but that can’t happen because you have your pride and your self-respect to think about.
What you absolutely can’t do is ever have sex with him again; having a baby would be a disaster. Face it; he’s not the person for you, and he’s let you down. He hasn’t been honest, and he’s led you on. Listen to those people in your life who can clearly see him for what he is – a chancer and a manipulator.
I understand that you feel humiliated and let down, but your new (single) life starts here. The wedding can be cancelled and new plans made.
Tell your parents the truth and allow yourself to be comforted and supported by them. No one would blame them for mistrusting him after he attempted to rip them off. Do you need to apologise to them for bringing him into their lives?
Forgive yourself, learn from this and don’t let anyone to pull the wool over your eyes ever again.
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