‘I bought caught bonking lover in pub bogs – now my lady would slightly pleasure herself than me’
Dear Jane,
Guilt edged
I’m a man with a guilty conscience. I have secret debts. Over the summer, I conducted a ridiculous fling with a girl I met online. We talked dirty, met up for sleazy sex and I spent silly money on booze and hotel rooms.
Our passion burned bright for a couple of months but then fizzled out after we were caught having sex in a pub toilet. I admit that I lost my mind for a while and now I’m deeply ashamed. The problem is that I can’t bounce back from my fling. Guilt is eating away at me.
This time last year I was bursting with energy. I was smashing it at work and making my girl scream in bed.
But I’ve lost my mojo and have no spark. My girlfriend has labelled me a flop in bed. She’s invested in a stack of sex toys and takes pleasure in playing with herself right in front of me – as a form of punishment.
I feel humiliated and useless. It’s the same at work; I don’t have any ideas or stamina. I’m terrified that I’m going to lose my position the next time redundancies are announced.
Most nights I dread going home because I know my girl will demand I ‘buck up’ and turn my life around. She’s keen to make plans. She wants answers on a holiday, but all I want to do is hide under a rock.
She doesn’t know what I did behind her back and I feel too dirty and too ashamed to open up and touch her. I know I let her down every time I brush her hand away and reject in bed, but I feel so awful.
I’m the world’s biggest loser.
She’s a great person and deserves someone so much better than me. What’s my next move?
JANE SAYS: Hiding under a rock is not an option. You need to pluck up the courage and level with your girlfriend. Do her the courtesy of telling her the absolute truth. She must hear about your ill-judged fling so that she can start to understand – if not forgive you.
She will, no doubt, ask why you felt compelled to cheat on her in the first place. What answer are you going to give? Are you clear in your own mind about why you strayed so far from home?
If you no longer love nor respect her, then you must set her free. At the moment you’re not being fair. If she finds out the truth from a third party them, she will be left humiliated, and heart broken.
The same honesty needs to be applied at your place of work too. Someone needs to be told that you are having a hard time right now and – possibly – need some time off?
You’re feeling desperate and ridiculous. You know that you’ve messed up. Things may seem bleak right now but there is always a way forward – a light at the end of the tunnel. If you’re struggling to cope, then arrange to speak to your GP and explain what you’re going through. Ask what help is available to you.
The debts are also a serious matter, so check out nationaldebtline.org regarding where you go from here. Call The Samaritans (116 123) if you simply need to chat.
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email [email protected]. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
