‘I’m by chance marrying lady I do not love whereas I’m nonetheless sleeping with my ex’

JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who feels trapped by a fiancee who is going full steam ahead with lavish wedding plans

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If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.

Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.

From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn’t slowing down.

If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email [email protected]. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.

Ex rocks my world

I’ve somehow agreed to marry a woman I don’t love. The service is planned for July and I’m bricking it. She caught me by surprise with a shock proposal during my birthday lunch back in November. She went down on one knee and asked me to be her husband. All of my family were there, and I was so surprised (and sozzled) I simply blurted out ‘yes’. I woke up regretting my decision the very next day. But then it was off to her folks for dinner. They opened the front door with balloons, champagne and cries of ‘Here come’s the bride’. Her parents were in tears. How could I back out or scream “NO”?

Since then, my fiancée has been steamrollering ahead with wedding plans. The hotel is booked and the invitations are out.

I feel terrible because the person I really love – and would love to marry – is my ex-girlfriend. She and I are still sleeping together. I nip round to her flat every night on my way home from work and she rocks my world.

Sex with her is amazing and I can’t believe we ever split up. My problem is that I’m lying to everyone. My ex-girlfriend knows nothing of my fiancée. She thinks that I’m bogged down with work, but plan to go back to her soon. Meanwhile, my wife-to-be is so obsessed with bouquets, menus and DJs that she doesn’t even notice when I’m late home.

The only person who has twigged that I’m being odd is my mate and he’s warned me to ‘sober up’. But how can I when it’s all so confusing?

JANE SAYS: Pull your head out of the sand and start coming clean with the women in your life. What you cannot do is sleepwalk into a marriage you aren’t committed to. This can’t get as far as the altar. Be honest with your fiancee and tell her – before any more plans are made and money is spent – that this marriage is not going to happen. You’re sorry, but you’re living a lie and your heart is not in it. Everything has moved too fast and you’re not interested in becoming her husband. Of course she’s going to be utterly devastated, but you must be true to yourself and her too.

Make it clear that you’ll spare her the humiliation of cancelling the venue and the guests because you’ll deal with all that, but this is serious and final, and you won’t be swayed by pleading or tears. Of course, you must be kind and contrite, but strong too, because this marriage would have been a total disaster. Once everything is done, and in the right order, then you can make contact with your ex-girlfriend again. Maybe you and she will make a go of things and end up reunited. But, promise me, you won’t see or speak to her again until you’ve finished with your current fiancée. The time has come to step up, face your responsibilities and be an adult. No more excuses.

Leave me alone

An old friend has asked me not to contact her again. I’m furious and feel snubbed. She and I reconnected before Christmas when we ran into each other in town. We used to be very close when we both worked for the same firm in 2020. She revealed that she’d just moved into a flat two minutes from my house.

Since then, I’ve been popping round there with cakes, wine and gossip. I thought I’d found myself a new best friend. Only she’s just texted to say that her boyfriend doesn’t like sharing her, so she won’t be able to see me again. I can’t believe this.

JANE SAYS: The reality is that this woman has been out of your life for six years. I’m sure that you and she had some great times ‘back in the day’, but she’s moved on and now you must too. Sadly, you have no way of knowing what goes on behind closed; if her boyfriend is a control freak then she could be treading on eggshells.

Equally, it could be that she used him as an excuse; made up this story in order to get away from you. Perhaps you overwhelmed her with your bottles of wine and spur-of-the-moment visits? For the record, anyone who is the victim of a bullying partner should contact the National Domestic Violence helpline 0808 2000 247.

Mate wants me to cheat

My mate is furious that I’m moving in with my boyfriend.

She keeps dragging me out for drinking sessions.

She encourages me to get me off with other men, then tells me that I’m boring when I won’t.

Frequently she gets drunk and demands to know why nobody wants a relationship with her. Dare I reveal the truth; that she’s too intense and overwhelming? She thinks nothing of sleeping with strangers and then hates herself afterwards. Is it for me to put her straight?

JANE SAYS: You’re about to embark on a whole new life with your boyfriend. Of course, you need to stay in touch with the people you care about but now might be a good time to jettison anyone who brings you down.

From the sounds of things, your friend is a pain in the neck. From drinking too much and playing the fool to disrespecting your new partner, I get the feeling that you outgrew her a long time ago. I suggest you meet for a coffee and simply level with her. Explain that you’re not interested in getting off with other men and that she insults you every time she suggests it.

As for her own, unpopularity, why doesn’t she look at the way she behaves – and change?

Potty mouth

My girlfriend swears like a trooper. I’m used to her potty mouth, but my folks are moving in with us for eight months while their place is extended. I just know that they are going to be horrified by her lack of filter and general untidiness. They’ve never met and I know she won’t tone things down for anyone. I fear tensions ahead.

JANE SAYS: I don’t believe that your earthy girlfriend’s foul language and untidy habits go over your head. If they did, then you wouldn’t be worried about your parents’ reaction; you’d simply tell them to accept her warts and all. I worry that your girl is not a good fit. Why put up with anyone who embarrasses you? Talk to your girl about manners, limits and respect.