JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who doesn’t know how to explain to those around her that she’s found true love
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn’t slowing down.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
My time now
My ex-husband was a highly sexed man who expected intimacy every night. I saw sex with him as my ‘duty’ and indulged his needs without question.
If he fancied a threesome with some horny neighbour, then I wouldn’t argue. If he was in a mood for an orgy with a bunch of his old college friends, then I went along for the ride. I was very young when we married. He was 35 and I was 19. I was desperate to escape an unhappy home life. My father died when I was eight and I never liked the man my Mum went on to marry. I cared for a sickly aunt from the age of 13 and was more than happy to marry the first man who came along and asked me without giving a thought to my own sexuality and needs.
My ex eventually threw me out when he found someone better – a sexy secretary from his firm. Such a cliché.
He behaved like a monster. He was determined to give me nothing and I fought long and hard for a decent divorce settlement. I currently live alone.
I’m finally feel free to be myself. The truth is that I’m gay. I suspect that I’ve always known that I prefer women but being a lesbian simply wasn’t something that was talked about in my family or in my community growing up. My late mother would never have understood or tolerated, what she would have perceived to be an ‘alternative lifestyle’. I’ve met a woman I like very much through a local social club, but how do I begin to tell my friends and remaining relatives that I’m not who they think I am? My ex-husband will go crazy. Must I keep my new love a secret?
JANE SAYS: Your sexuality is your business and absolutely isn’t something to be ashamed of. Surely those who care for you would rather see you happy and contented than on your own. Maybe some individuals may be shocked or even disapprove, but this is your life and you’ve already given so much to so many. Isn’t this now your time to kick back and be yourself?
Contact Switchboard (0800 0119100) if you’d like to talk your situation through. Switchboard is the national LGBTQIA+ support line. For anyone, anywhere in the country, at any point in their journey. You can discuss anything related to sexuality and gender identity. Whether it’s sexual, health, relationships or just the way you’re feeling, which you might find a comforting and supportive.
You also need to consider the feelings of your new love who doesn’t deserve to be shoved in a corner. Make sure that you’re open and honest with her about your life and background. I’m not pretending the immediate future will be easy, but life is short and needs to be grabbed and embraced. The people who genuinely love you for your kindness and generosity will wish you well.
Anyone who doesn’t support you needs to be reassessed. As for your ex-husband, please don’t give him a second thought. What do you care about his opinion? He’s out of your life and consigned to the past. Think about how he treated you. He never did you any favours.
User pushes her luck
My girl wants bossy sex when she’s drunk.
I get a rambling late-night call telling me she can’t get a taxi – or is feeling ‘romantic’. She pleads until I jump into my car and go to her rescue. But as soon as I’ve done her bidding – and she’s started to sober up – she turns; I’m hit with a barrage of verbal abuse. I’m told that I’m ugly and useless and then I don’t hear from her again for ages. It’s only now that I’m sober that I realise how unreasonable and rude she is. I accept that she has her other friends and a busy life, but how can she stand to treat me this way?
JANE SAYS: Please step back and take a fresh look at this person.
Sadly, she’s only interested in you when she wants something. Whether that ‘something’ is drunken sex or a safe passage home, you’re frequently her last resort and that’s not good enough.
You and she don’t have a fully rounded relationship. Where are the romantic walks, dinners or even the sober conversations?
Does she know anything of your life? How willing would she be to drop everything to help you?
The reality is that she’s not your girlfriend; she’s someone who hits the phone whenever it suits her. Nothing ever gives the right to verbally abuse you. You deserve better.
Full speed ahead
Earlier this year my boyfriend and I hit a rough patch.
I accused him of neglecting me in the bedroom while he was sick of me spending so much time with my family.
We decided we’d benefit from some time apart. He moved in with his brother while I took over our rented flat. Now, not only is she sleeping with a new lover, but his friends tell me they might be moving in with her. We’ve never even discussed splitting up for good. This break was supposed to be temporary.
How do I react when my relationship appears to be slipping away from me?
JANE SAYS: I urge you to fight for your relationship because this isn’t over yet. You have your happiness and your future to consider. Ask your guy for an uninterrupted conversation – talk all night if you must – and leave him in no doubt that you want him back. Be honest about your feelings and your fear of losing him.
Wires have clearly been crossed; your break was never supposed to signal the end. Would he consider returning? What do you have to do to prove your love and commitment? Maybe he needs to hear just how determined and passionate you are.
End of an era
For the past five years my neighbour has paid me to clean her house, put out her rubbish and do her ironing.
Now she’s explained that money is tight. Would I mind carrying on my ‘duties’ for free? After all, apparently, I don’t have much else on… How dare she? What can I say without falling out with her?
JANE SAYS: Calmly explain to your neighbour that money is tight for you too and you don’t work for free. If she’s unable to carry on paying the agreed rate, then you’d encourage her to find someone else. Sadly, if she doesn’t appreciate you, then it’s the end of an era. There’s no need to fall out because nothing lasts forever, but there’s nothing stopping you from looking around for something else.