JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a hurt Daily Star reader who wishes he could keep his girlfriend all to himself
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn’t slowing down.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Open all hours
My girlfriend says I should find myself a ‘friend with benefits’. She doesn’t care who I sleep with as long as I stop complaining about her lifestyle choices.
She’s currently sleeping with a woman she used to work with – and simply expects me to accept it.
Several nights a week she leaves me on my own overnight. When I complain, she sniffs that she doesn’t mind if I find myself a ‘sexy friend’ but I’m not to try and stop her from living her life, her way. I think she’s being unreasonable and selfish, don’t you? She knows how much she’s hurting and humiliating me but simply doesn’t care. Things aren’t helped by her constantly posting stuff about their great sex life on-line. It breaks my heart to spot pics of her and her lover out drinking, kissing and cuddling and tucked up in bed.
I’m in no doubt that she’s having brilliant sex and great fun, but where does that leave me?
I’m sick of being a spare part. I’m also tired of being used when she comes home and fancies a bit of heterosexual sex too.
The other night on one of my rare ‘turns’ she ran naked into the bedroom and jumped on top of me. She then became miffed and verbally abusive when I couldn’t instantly perform on cue.
She called me a letdown and a wimp and said that her female lover always makes her scream. With that we had another terrible row.
My pals say I should move on but simply leaving her isn’t easy because we’re tied together through work, family and this flat. I’d love to wave a magic wand and change everything about my life, but it’s not that simple.
JANE SAYS: You can’t continue in a relationship with an individual who makes you feel unhappy and unappreciated. This current set up isn’t good for your health or your self-esteem. You must concede that the game is up.
Some people do manage to have it all; they have male and female lovers and live an exotic and open life, which is great for them. But if you’re unhappy with your girlfriend staying out several nights a week with another lover, then this situation must change. You say that there are complications with work, family and your property, but no problem is insurmountable. Jobs can be changed; relationships severed and properties sold off or passed on. At the moment I get the impression that you’re frozen in time. You feel as though you’ve had the wind taken out of your sails and don’t know what to do next. Confide in some trusted friends and family members and get their practical support in moving on. Tell your girlfriend that everything must change because you can’t, and won’t, go on like this. Promise me that if you’re feeling low that you’ll visit your GP. In the meantime, eat healthily, go out in the fresh air and seize the day.
And don’t take on another lover simply to ease her conscience.
Cover up
I can’t forget how my girl cheated on me with FOUR of her horrible colleagues. I can’t forgive her for lying and getting her friends to cover her back when she was off shagging.
I want our relationship to work, but too many negative memories are pulling me down. She swears that she’s turned over a new leaf. She says that she’s stopped drinking and taking recreational drugs, but still the anger lingers. Things aren’t helped by my parents who say they will never speak to her again.
JANE SAYS: Your girlfriend claims she’s a new woman now, but quite understandably you’re hesitating. Has she ever given you explanations and apologies regarding why she felt the need to sleep with so many of her horny colleagues?
I worry that you and she have reconnected and settled back into the same old routine because it’s comfortable and familiar, but that doesn’t make it right. Explain to her today that you are struggling to feel the love this time around. Is there anything either or you can do or say to make this situation better, or do you finally have to conclude that you and she have had your moment and it’s time to move along? Keep talking to your parents and other people who care about you. Why are they so reluctant to give her another chance?
Outcast
My boyfriend won’t take me out in public. All we do is stay in and have sex. He says that I’m not as groomed or refined as his ex, who was an actress, and that his friends and colleagues won’t ‘get’ my alternative looks and appeal.
He begs me not to take this personally but says he can’t risk giving his boss or his rivals any excuse to put him down. I’ve never accompanied him to any business events or even casual drinks. Do you blame me for feeling bitter and angry?
JANE SAYS: If your man is ashamed of you then he can take a run and jump. I wonder how he would take it if you explained that you won’t introduce him to your pals because he’s too flash and arrogant?
He is using you. He’s only visiting you for sex and doesn’t respect you as a human being with feelings and needs. Stop being so quick to put yourself down. How dare he tell you that you’re not as attractive as his ex? Take control right now. Get out and about and seize back your life. Make a vow not to associate with anyone else who is determined to disrespect you and bring you down. He’s a toad.
Ever fallen in love
I’ve fallen in love with my gay best friend. She’s amazing. We spend a lot of time together and finish each other’s sentences. She and I frequently share a bed when she stays over after a big night out, but we’ve never touched. I know we’d be amazing as a full time couple. How do I tell begin to tell her that I care?
JANE SAYS: Tell your friend how you feel, but unless she fancies you – and you’re her type – then she’s not going to be interested in starting an intimate relationship with you. I worry that you’re pushing the boundaries of your friendship. If you crave love and affection, then get yourself out there and start mixing with other individuals who can give you everything you need.