If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Filthy sex
Everyone loves my saucy man. He is larger than life with a wicked twinkle in his eye, but he can’t be trusted.
I suspect that he’s carrying on with a woman down the road. He keeps nipping out to do DIY jobs – fix his ex-boss’s fence, help his old school mate with his car etc. But then he doesn’t come home for eight or nine hours.
He insults my intelligence and breaks my heart with his flimsy excuses, and I think I’m worth more than that. I knew he was a player when we first got together. He was juggling all sorts of women. I fancied him. I viewed him as a challenge and seduced him at a party.
We came back here for a great night of filthy sex, and we’ve been together ever since. He’s highly addictive and probably the love of my life, only I can never fully relax when he’s out of the house.
He assures me that he would never cheat, but I just don’t know if I believe him. This woman down the road – the one I fear he’s also sleeping with – is a fit and gorgeous and highly sexy.
Just imagining my bloke in her arms turns my stomach. I’m 28. What am I to do?
JANE SAYS: It’s often said that we can help who we fall in love with. But you really can start helping yourself by finally seeing this man for the rogue and the cheat he is. I suspect you view him as something of a playboy. Perhaps you think that you can tame him; bring him to heel, but you need to forget about that. Be honest with yourself. If he has spent all his adult life chasing other women, then why is he going to change now?
I hate the idea of you throwing your youth away on a man who simply doesn’t appreciate or deserve you.
I suggest you step back and simply take stock of this situation. Do you really want to live like this?
What about marriage and children in the future?
If someone told you that you could pick any man in the world to spend the rest of your life with – would you choose this one?
Start trusting your instincts and open your eyes. If he is humiliating you with a woman who lives down the road, then what about your own sexual health and your dignity? I urge you to forget about him and start making plans before any more of your life passes you by.
Screaming inside
I try to be happy when a mate gets a promotion or a salary rise. I pretend to be impressed by new kitchens, cars and exotic holidays, but privately I’m a very jealous person. My two best friends earn a fortune and think nothing of buying designer clothes and expensive jewellery. I’m just back from visiting them and could scream at how rubbish my life is in comparison.
JANE SAYS: Instead of becoming bitter or jealous, use your friends’ successes to spur you on. Write down everything you wish to achieve in life and make it happen. Look at how they operate and learn from it. Use your energy and your skills positively and don’t let anything hold you back. What about retraining or learning new skills? You must start making your own luck or you’ll miss the boat.
Buttoned up
My lover is weak and pathetic. She still hasn’t come out to her parents and told them that we’re a gay couple. We’ve been intimate and living together as ‘flat mates’ for over ten years and I’m sick of lying and hiding.
Occasionally I’m invited to family meals and parties, but mostly I’m brushed under the carpet. I find this insulting and rude as she claims to love me. Her parents aren’t even ogres. They’re intelligent, kind people who, I’m sure, have already guessed the truth. Once I even asked them how they feel about gay marriage and they told me they fully support it.
Yet my lover remains buttoned up. Recently I tried to present her with an ultimatum; acknowledge me or I’m off, but she refused to enter into the conversation. In the end she stormed off calling me unreasonable. I’m not. I have a perfectly good relationship with my own parents who know everything about my sexuality and openly welcome my girlfriend in their lives. What can I do to make her join the rest of us in the 21st century?
JANE SAYS: We never really know what goes on in another person’s mind. Clearly your girlfriend has her own reasons for keeping her true sexuality a secret. If, after all these years she is still not prepared to openly acknowledge you, then take a step back.
Stop upsetting yourself by trying to understand her. Clearly the relationship she has with her parents is more complicated than you realise. Your folks are open and honest. But with her parents, maybe it’s a case of ‘what you see isn’t necessarily what you get’. In other words, they may be relaxed and open minded to your face, but someone else entirely behind closed doors. Ultimately only you can decide if you’re prepared to stay – long term – in this relationship.
If it’s now getting to the point where you can no longer bear to live a lie, then maybe you do need to think about moving on?