If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Noisy threesome
My ex is using my home as a knocking shop. He keeps bringing new girlfriends back here for grubby sex.
When we decided to break up in May over money, we put our flat on the market, but it hasn’t sold.
At first, we were adult and friendly. We agreed to remain platonic flat mates until a sale. He took the front room while I have the master.
But I never expected him to go wild. It’s like he’s regressed and is now a horny teenager all over again.
He goes to parties, clubs and bars and hooks up with strangers. I’m sick of finding people in my kitchen helping themselves to my booze.
The other night he had a very noisy threesome with a couple of girls. They were all false boobs and puffy lips. One of them brushed past me in the hall and growled: “Who are you looking at?”
I thought I knew him. I thought I could trust him to treat our shared space with respect.
Of course I’ve tried to talk to him about this, but he doesn’t get my point. He argues that he’s just a single guy who has normal sexual needs.
Because he co-owns this place, he thinks he should be allowed to live any way he pleases and I should be prepared to turn the other cheek. He tells me to lighten up and find some action of my own.
He’s ruining my life. I’d order him to leave right now, only I don’t have the authority.
JANE SAYS: Go back to your estate agent and review the price of your flat.
If you don’t feel that this agent is pushing it hard enough, then you need to find another or look at on-line options. In other words; be proactive, get this place sold so that you and your ex can both move on and put this mess behind you.
What a pity you didn’t consider drawing up a list of house rules when your relationship shifted from intimate to platonic.
I suggest you go back to the drawing board and ask for a fresh start. Point out that you can’t go on living like this. Okay, so you’re nothing more than ‘pals’ now, but you’re not running a hotel, and he can’t simply bring in a stream of lovers off the street. Point out you don’t feel comfortable with hordes of strangers trooping through your hall whether you’re at home or not.
What about the safety and security of your stuff, for a start? Insist that he meets you halfway by promising to respect your space. Point out that this is a difficult situation for both of you. Ultimately, this isn’t forever. Grit your teeth, be strong and get through it.
Close shave
I hate shaving any part of my body. The first time my new boyfriend and I went to bed together he recoiled in horror.
He said that he hated my body hair. He said that he found my fluffy underarms, legs and bikini line off-putting and unhygienic. His ex-girlfriend had been completely smooth all over and that was the way he liked his women. I was so embarrassed. He made me feel as though I was unclean.
We had sex anyway, but he made me promise that I’d smarten myself up before the next time. I duly bought myself razors, gels and depilatory creams and hit the bathroom. But I felt so fake and untrue to myself.
Now I refuse to go down this route again and he says it’s a relationship breaker. What’s his problem?
JANE SAYS: I wonder if your boyfriend watches a lot of porn?
Individuals who frequently access pornographic material often have an unrealistic image of what a real people like. Because porn actors tend to be completely hairless, there’s an expectation that we should all look a particular way.
But there’s nothing dirty about body hair; it’s there for a reason and you must never allow anyone to make you feel bad about yourself. If this man doesn’t like your fuzz and you don’t like removing it, then he’s not the guy for you.
If spending time on depilation leaves you distressed and skint, then explain to him that this is not the way you wish to live your life. Be clear that you will not be dictated to and will not be told that you are unclean and disgusting – because that is downright rude and ignorant.
Pyramid scheme
I was thrilled when a male relative told me about a fantastic money making scheme he could get me in on. I was devastated when I lost £5,000.
He promised that I’d triple my money and make a killing. Now I can’t get him on the phone, and his wife has warned me to leave him alone and stop harassing them.
He swore blind that this scheme wouldn’t fail; that I’d go on to make millions if I kept investing in it.
Now I haven’t even got enough to pay my bills or settle my debts. Suddenly my life is a total mess. I’m so ashamed and feel so embarrassed. How could he have conned me?
JANE SAYS: If you’ve been conned, then I urge you to report this crime to the police. If your relative is going around making fraudulent claims, then he needs to be stopped and dealt with.
Unfortunately, there are no such things as ‘get-rich-quick’ scheme. If your relative’s con was some kind of illegal pyramid selling number, then it was always doomed to failure. Check out the Crimestoppers website (www.crimestoppers-uk.org) for more information on these and what to do next.
Will you get your money back? I think it’s highly unlikely. All you can do is learn from this experience; be more aware in future and keep away from your relative and others of his type.
Open door policy
My boyfriend has admitted that he misses having sex with a variety of women. He loves me, and wants us to keep living together, but would like a more open relationship. I’m terrified that if I say ‘no’ then he’ll walk out the door. My friends have never liked him. I fear that everyone is going to call me an old fool for allowing him to walk all over me.
JANE SAYS: Some people can make open relationships work, but if you’re not keen, then this idea is doomed from the start. Tell your guy that this lifestyle isn’t for you.
Set him free to live the kind of life he craves and brush yourself off. Tell him that you’re sorry to see him go, but you won’t share and you won’t be made a figure of fun. As for your friends; hold your head high, keep quiet and maintain your dignity.