‘My man jumps within the bathe and scrubs himself uncooked after he is been together with his ex’
JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who is sick of playing second fiddle to her boyfriend’s best mate
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No magic number
There are three people in our relationship.
There’s me, my boyfriend and his best friend. And, no we’re not a sexy threesome or hot throuple, I can’t stand his mate and wish she’d get a life, get a lover and move on. The problem is that my guy refuses to cut ties with her. They dated for four years between 2014 and 2018. Apparently the relationship was intense and highly sexual because they were young and horny. They split up when he left to go travelling with a mate. By his own admission, he’s dated a dozen other women since then.
He claims to love me but she’s still in his life. More than once, he’s put her first. One time we were due to go out for dinner with my mates, and he bailed at the last moment because she had a crisis at work.
Later I heard that she was upset, simply because a colleague had failed to invite her to her whole wedding day (just the evening ‘do’) and she was miffed. Everything is a drama and a crisis with her.
I’ve met her many times at parties and at the pub and find her sarky and brittle. She certainly isn’t interested in me. She’s never once asked me about my job or family or views, but they share an extremely strong bond.
He swears they don’t sleep together but I’m not sure. She’s hopeless with paperwork and finances and he often goes round to help her with admin stuff. Sometimes he doesn’t come back until the wee small hours because he says they’ve been ‘chatting’ – and the first thing he does is jump into our shower and scrubs himself raw… Is he washing off post-sex sweat?
I suspect he gives her money when she goes overdrawn. How do I stop myself from becoming increasingly resentful?
JANE SAYS: I don’t think anyone would blame you for being miffed, especially when your guy comes home late at night and jumps straight into the shower. That does sound a tat suspicious. The reality is that plenty of people have friends of the opposite sex, there’s nothing unusual about that. Could it be that your boyfriend and his ex are especially close because they shared a certain experience – perhaps a bereavement or crisis – when they were together? Are you inclined to ask deeper, more probing questions about the nature of their friendship?
Is there anything that your boyfriend is willing or able to talk about, which would make their close bond more understandable? If he’s not willing to open up, then can you accept the current situation or is it a relationship breaker? I suggest you take some time to weigh up the pros and cons of your life together. He does sound like a kind, thoughtful guy – especially when he helps her with her paperwork and financial woes – but does he love and respect you enough? Sadly, if you really can’t share him or tolerate this woman, then do you join the ranks of the other dozen women who went before you who couldn’t accept her either?
She wants my money
I recently ran into an ex-colleague.
We worked together years ago as travel reps. We enjoyed some wild times together.
I’d just come out of a fancy department store and was carrying a bundle of carrier bags. She said I looked great and was clearly doing well for myself judging by my purchases. I joked that I’m a label junkie these days. We swopped numbers and went our separate ways.
Now she keeps asking to borrow cash. She has debts that she hopes I can help them. I’ve tried to put her off but, during her last call, she accused me of being selfish and spoilt. What did I do to deserve this?
JANE SAYS: You cannot allow someone to harass or intimidate you. if you don’t have money to lend or give, then firmly tell this ex-colleague that you are not the answer to her prayers. Suggest she checks out Step Change the Debt Charity (stepchange.org/0800 138 1111) where experts will be able to help get her finances back on track.
She may resent your good fortune and feel you owe her a favour but nothing gives her the right to insult you.
Did she genuinely run into you ‘by accident’? She cannot become a nuisance.
Choppy waters
I lost it with my sister-in-law when she snapped at me in front of my parents. We rowed and she stormed out.
My husband begged me to apologise to her for the sake of family unity and I did. But she refuses to accept my apology and still isn’t talking to me. What more can I do when she’s seems so intent on being my enemy?
JANE SAYS: I suggest your husband goes round to see her to clear the air. Family relationships are notoriously difficult to navigate but a compromise must be found. He needs to discuss courtesies and boundaries if you’re all to get along in future. Is there something else she wishes to get off her chest? Life is short and accepting an apology isn’t a sign of weakness.
