‘He needs us to get different individuals out of our methods earlier than we quiet down for good’
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email [email protected]. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Fun pass
My guy wants to be free to have loads of sex before we finally settle down and marry. He argues that a ‘fun pass’ is the answer to all relationship problems. He thinks I should join him too by sleeping with other men. I don’t know about this.
We’ve been together since we were 18 (we’re in our early 30’s now). He was the first guy I ever slept with (and vice versa). We split briefly in 2022 when he went off with a colleague and I had a fling with my friend’s brother but, apart from that it’s only ever been us.
The irony is that our sex life is still fantastic. We fancy each other as much as ever and make love most days. Yet he worries that if we don’t get ‘other people out of our systems’ then we may be tempted to cheat down the line.
I love him but find myself questioning his commitment to our relationship. Why aren’t I enough? His plan is to stop seeing me between January 1 and March 1. He and his best mate will take unpaid leave. They’re talking about flying out to Vietnam or Bali and letting rip. I’m invited to do the same with a mate of my own.
Apparently, we can both go completely crazy without any consequences or any guilt. We won’t ask questions – whatever happens out of town will stay out of town.
Then we’ll get married next summer, and everything will be great. Could this work? You hear about people wishing to sow the last of their wild oats before getting hitched, but I never imagined him coming up with a plan like this. I worry that if I say ‘no’ then he’ll look at me in a whole new light; that he’ll view me as boring and controlling, which I’m really not.
JANE SAYS: You and your man have been together for a very long time. You must know each other inside and out. Therefore, he obviously realises that you’re not boring or controlling, so put that worry out of your mind.
I urge you to act like adults. Tell him today that, quite naturally, this proposed jaunt has sent a significant shiver down your spine.
Just what is he planning out East? If he going to have sex with men and women? Is he going to drink to excess, take drugs and generally mess around? What of his sexual health – and yours? He needs to hear that you’re not sure that this idea is a good one. Will he cancel this trip for your sake or is it non-negotiable?
It’s very open minded of him to suggest that you fill your boots in a similar manner but do not feel pressurised to conform if your heart’s not in it.
Ultimately, only you and he can decide if this plan is a relationship breaker. Will you be able to look at him in the same light on his return? Or will you be guilty of constantly throwing it back in his face?
Is he really interested in threatening your carefully balanced relationship or even throwing it all away?
I strongly suggest that the pair of you keep talking.
Begging bowl
I’ve just met my real mother and she’s vile. I was bought up by my aunt and always imagined my mum would be glamorous and exciting. Instead, she’s full of self-pity and keeps asking me for cash. I feel bad because my aunt was against me bringing her back into our lives. How should I handle this?
JANE SAYS: Give yourself plenty of thinking time and make sure your aunt knows how much you love and appreciate her. I suspect your birth mother has had a complicated life and is as anxious as you are.
It would be unfortunate to lose contact with her again, but if you don’t think that you can cope with her demands for cash, then you must protect yourself.
Should she be encouraged to seek professional help?
