7 at 7: Daily Star Lettuce talks UFO ‘house cadets’, Downing Street ghosts and her furry crush
Welcome to Gold Star, our new premium subscription service bringing you closer to the icons who shape our nation. In the latest edition of our brand-new feature, ‘7 at 7’, we sat down with the ultimate British survivor.
She’s crisp, she’s leafy and she outlasted Prime Minister Liz Truss. Yes, the infamously legendary Daily Star Lettuce is back, and she is spilling the organic tea.
Our favourite piece of produce tackles everything from the “space cadets” running the country and ghostly hauntings in Downing Street, to the real threat facing humanity and her surprisingly furry secret crush. Pull up a seat and dig into the ultimate celebrity Q&A.
1. Do you believe in aliens and UFOs and have you seen any?
LETTUCE: Looking at some of the absolute space cadets we’ve had in Number Ten, I’m utterly convinced aliens walk among us. I haven’t seen a UFO myself, but I did survive 49 days next to a Prime Minister who was clearly living on another planet.
2. What’s the most interesting conspiracy theory you’ve heard, and why?
LETTUCE: Forget flat earth. I’m absolutely obsessed with the theory that the world is actually shaped like a giant cosmic salad bowl. It makes perfect sense, darling, because it explains why all the absolute nutters in this country always end up tossed together at the bottom.
3. Which classic TV show would you bring back?
LETTUCE: I’d absolutely bring back Supermarket Sweep, but exclusively for disgraced former cabinet ministers. Watching them leg it down the aisles in inflatable jumpers trying to grab a bargain before their careers expire would be crisp television.
4. What is the biggest threat to the world at the moment?
LETTUCE: Oh, everyone bangs on about asteroids. But the real threat to humanity is a sudden global shortage of vinaigrette and another dodgy fiscal U-turn. Honestly, a giant plague of garden slugs would be less devastating to the economy.
5. Do you believe in ghosts and who would you haunt?
LETTUCE: I absolutely believe in ghosts, and if I ever end up in the compost bin, I’ll be floating straight back to Downing Street to haunt their crisp drawer. Imagine the sheer terror of opening the fridge at 3am and seeing my ghostly googly eyes staring back.
6. Who is your guilty crush?
LETTUCE: I shouldn’t say it, but I’ve got a massive soft spot for Larry, the Chief Mouser down at Number Ten. He’s got excellent whiskers and he’s the only other resident with the staying power to outlast an absolute circus of politicians, darling.
7. Have you ever killed an animal?
LETTUCE: I’m a completely pacifist piece of produce and have never harmed a fly. I have, however, absolutely slaughtered a political career without even breaking a sweat.
