If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Used and abused
My husband recently got horribly drunk at a stag do. He stumbled in at 3am stinking of booze. I challenged him and he blurted out: “Shut your mouth. I’ve never loved you”.
Now he’s booked into a cheap motel. He’s insisting that our marriage is dead because he’s been living a lie.
He says he only married me because his family was putting pressure on him to settle down with someone ‘boring’. He and I were working for the same firm when we met. He knew that I was lonely and unhappy having been jilted by my childhood sweetheart.
He’s now saying that our ‘whirlwind romance’ and his insistence on a quick wedding wasn’t anything to do with passion on his part; it was in order to please his elderly parents – and inherit their house and wealth.
And his total refusal to have children wasn’t because he was ‘desperate to keep me all to himself’; it was because he is obsessed with extremely busty young women and it was never his plan to stay with me forever.
I’m in my mid-30s and, apparently, repel him. Now all of his relatives are dead, and he intends to do things his way. He wants a pumped up, slutty girlfriend and me out of his life.
I’m devastated and embarrassed. I’ve had a letter from his solicitor pushing for a divorce. How am I ever going to trust anyone again when I didn’t see this coming? He’s right. I am a mug and a loser.
JANE SAYS: Stop beating yourself up. Clearly your estranged husband had a long-term game plan. He was prepared to please his family by marrying you. They wanted someone proper and respectable and you fitted the bill. Now the last of his relatives had died and he’s free to go his own way.
He is one very devious and calculating individual. How could you possibly have known what was in his head and his heart?
You may have married him, but you’re not a mind reader. What you must accept now is that you were duped by a very determined, single-minded creep. All he really cared about was securing his inheritance by playing a game.
Don’t allow him to rubbish you or put you down by implying that you were merely his prop, because you know that you’re worth more than that.
Use your anger in a good way. Turn your energy around. Tell his solicitor that you’re more than happy to facilitate a quickie divorce but you’re going to fight for every single penny you’re entitled to.
Then make a wish list of all the things that YOU’D like to achieve and go for it. Be honest with family and friends; tell them that he is not the man you thought he was. Learn from this and take that wisdom with you into your future relationships. What you can’t do is allow him to drag you down and doubt yourself just because he wasn’t honest or brave enough to tell his folks the truth about himself.
He boobed
My new partner frequently calls me by his ex-wife’s name in bed – especially at the point of orgasm. I find this deeply insulting as he doesn’t even realise he’s doing it half the time.
The other night I decided to be proactive. I wrote my name, in lipstick, right across my boobs. He didn’t appreciate the joke and accused me of insulting him.
Yet, three nights later I took him to meet my oldest friends for the first time – and, again, he got my name wrong three times.
My best friend was furious and they had words, which was even more embarrassing. He insists that he means no offense and is deeply sorry it’s just that old habits die hard. His ex’s name slips out before he knows it. How much more of a chance should I give him?
JANE SAYS: Calling you by the right name is pretty fundamental.
I know that we all trip up from time-to-time, but if your partner keeps doing this then that doesn’t say much about his commitment to you. It suggests that his ex is always on his mind rather than you. Is he over her? I think not. Don’t cling onto him because he’s currently the only guy around because I strongly suspect you could do a whole lot better for yourself. Don’t ever settle for second best.
Second hand
Last year I had a big fling with my ex-boss, which ended badly. I caught him in bed with another woman and he sacked me. I had to fight tooth and nail to get a financial settlement. Now a very close friend (who still works at my old firm) has announced that she’s having an affair with him. She knows how much he hurt me. I can’t get over the deception. She has never mentioned fancying him. I have a new job and new boyfriend now but feel completely let down. Surely friendship counts for something?
JANE SAYS: Leave your friend to do what she likes while you get on with the rest of your life. If she hasn’t learnt from your mistakes, then that’s her problem.
There’s no denying that your ex-boss hurt and humiliated you but he’s nothing to you now. Your best form of ‘revenge’ is success. Count your blessings.
You have a new partner, and your life has moved on.
Crack ahead with your new job, work hard and park the past. Use your energy to build a better future for yourself. Face it, I can’t imagine that your horny ex-boss spends too much time thinking or worrying about you…
Smashing time
Every so often my fella loses it and erupts. He shouts, insults me and smashes stuff.
The next day he begs for forgiveness. He swears that he’ll never frighten or upset me again.
But then he has a bad day at work, or someone annoys him and he flips out and explodes all over again. How do I change him?
JANE SAYS: It sounds to me as if this man needs professional, medical help via his GP. Suggest he seeks it.
As for you, you cannot stay under the same roof as him because he is unstable and disrespectful. Think of your safety and your self-respect.
You cannot change or save him. If he has issues, then HE needs to work on them. Get yourself to a safe space and stay there – away from him.