‘He’s obsessive about giving me intense pleasure – the toys he buys are so scary’
JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who doesn’t believe her partner’s heart is in the right place
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Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn’t slowing down.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email [email protected]. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Love is a roller coaster
My partner is obsessed with giving me multiple orgasms.
He spends eye-watering amounts of money on adult sex toys designed to give ultimate satisfaction. Some are so scary they take my breath away.
He seems to think that it’s his job to take me on a roller coaster of unbridled pleasure every time we make love.
I’ve never asked for this level of intensity. Sometimes I’m not even sure if I’ve orgasmed once, let alone numerous times. I find myself faking it which runs contrary to everything I believe in but he’s so fixed on pleasing me that I fear I’d crush his sexual confidence if I told the truth. How do I tactfully ask him to calm down?
JANE SAYS: If you don’t feel you can be truthful with the man you’re intimate with then something is very wrong. Honesty must be at the heart of your relationship.
This isn’t about starting a fight; this is about you getting what you need out of sex and being true to yourself. It’s important that you talk to him about your needs versus his extraordinary efforts otherwise you’re going to become resentful, and he won’t know why you’re angry. You need to be tactful and kind – but firm and clear too.
He’s playing the victim
I finally found the strength to leave my bullying partner when he humiliated me at an office party. He was drunk and showing off in front of colleagues. He told his new boss that I am ‘stupid, uneducated and incurious’. It was the final straw. I stormed off and am now planning a new life from my stepsister’s flat. But he won’t accept rejection. He’s acting like the victim. He’s being pathetic. He’s telling family members that I am the unreasonable, controlling one. I’ve had calls from his friends and family calling me cold and cruel. But he was the one who tormented me for years. He kept me short of money and told me I was thick. I couldn’t leave the house without his permission. If I arranged to see my friends, then he’d text me a dozen times with an ‘emergency’ or a drama at home.
One time I was due to give an important presentation at work. He kept phoning to say that he couldn’t find his wallet and phone – he thought we’d been burgled. He said I had to come home immediately. My colleagues begged me to ignore him, but he wore me down. Sure enough, the minute I opened front door he ‘found’ the items under a cushion in the front room… It was all a ruse to spoil my big moment.
The other day his sister rang with a story about my guy being seriously ill. I don’t know what to believe anymore.
How can he stand to be so manipulative and tricky? And how can his family be so blind when they saw how he treated me?
JANE SAYS: It’s vital that you stand firm and never forget why you walked out on your horrible ex-partner in the first place.
He’s clearly very devious. He may think he’s being terribly clever, but his current behaviour is still coercive.
By presenting himself as the victim he’s wrong-footing you and making your doubt your own sanity. The message he’s sending out is that you’re the real villain. It’s highly possible that his family unquestioningly believe every word he says. Equally, if they’re not particularly nice people themselves, then his atrocious behaviour could be perfectly natural as far as they’re concerned. Don’t forget that many families are selective when it comes to condemning one of their own.
There’s also the possibility that they’re keen to off-load him onto you. The over-riding impression I get from your problem is that you and your man are not suited and are never going to make each other happy. You and he have never enjoyed a mutually respectful life together and you are better off where you are. Don’t be afraid to call the police if ever you feel you’re in danger. It’s always sad when a relationship fails but this one never stood a chance when he is so lacking in maturity and you’re mentally exhausted. Remember that you will never be able to change him and that you’re entitled to be free. You’re allowed to exhale and start again. Speak to your GP if you’re struggling to cope.
I’m all cut up
I have naturally curly, red hair. I’ve always worn it long. A while ago a colleague told me that I’d look great with a short ‘pixie’ cut. She persuaded me to spend a fortune at her brother’s salon. Now I look hideous. I’m convinced she deliberately contrived to make me in order to bring me down.
JANE SAYS: The good news is that your hair will grow and, in time, your crowning glory will return. In the meantime, you need to watch your back as far as your ambitious colleague is concerned. If she’s out to trip you up or steal your power and position, then always be one step ahead of her. Don’t allow yourself to be blindsided again. At least you now know what you’re dealing with.
