‘I’ve had extra floppy sausages than a grocery store – I want some sizzling bed room motion’
JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who is regularly let down by floppy, sloppy time wasters in the bedroom
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I’ve been branded boring
I’m sick of unsatisfying sex.
My last two lovers were clueless in the bedroom; I didn’t orgasm with either of them, yet they expected me to keep telling them how great there were.
One proudly declared that foreplay was a waste of time while the other only cared about his own satisfaction.
I found myself lying back and acting like a bit part player in a bad play. Another droopy individual even had the cheek to brand me boring as he left. I’ve had more floppy sausages than Sainsbury’s and I’m sick of being left high and dry.
When is it going to be my turn to scream?
JANE SAYS: It’s vital that you get to know – and love – yourself. Otherwise, sex is going to continue to be tedious and unsatisfying. Take relationships off the menu for the time being. Invest in some female friendly, ergonomic sex toys (Lelo.com offer some interesting options).
Dedicate some serious bedroom time to discovering what feels good and what turns you on. There’s nothing dirty or shameful about masturbation; celebrating and understanding your own body is a gift. Once you’re ready to date again then you’ll be able to tell – and show – any future lovers exactly what you expect and need.
Take matters into your own hands so that you take on a far more satisfying leading role. Maybe you also need to find a new ‘type’.
This feels like cheating
I’m sexually frustrated and horny but how do I stop myself from feeling horribly guilty?
My new partner is good looking and hot. He’s keen for us to go away together and share a bed, but I’ve not had sex since my late husband died in 2022. I know it’s ridiculous, but I feel bad about ‘cheating’ on the father of my children.
My late husband was a wonderful lover, and we enjoyed a fantastic physical relationship right to the end, but what if I freeze in the arms of my new man? I’m terrified of looking and feeling ridiculous.
JANE SAYS: Tell your new partner how you feel so that you can take things slowly. Explain that this is a whole new chapter and you’re feeling a little self-conscious, guilty, and rusty.
If he’s a kind, decent person, then he’ll empathise and understand. The chances are he’s feeling nervous too. You late husband sounds a wonderful man and I’m sure he would want you to be happy. Trust your instincts; if things really don’t seem right with your new partner, then don’t allow yourself to be put under pressure. Would it help to talk things through with a trusted friend? Check out cruse.org.uk for reassurance.
Double trouble
Most people have one annoying mother-in-law to deal with at Christmas. I have TWO.
Not only is my husband’s birth mother a pain but his stepmother is a tricky character too. At this time of year, I have both of them on my case vying for attention and they do my head in. They both adore my husband to the point of insanity. He can do no wrong. They’re fiercely jealous of each other and treat me with utter contempt.
The birth mother is bitter and resentful. She still hasn’t forgiven her ex-husband (my bloke’s dad) for leaving her in 2018 and won’t move on. The stepmother is arrogant, vain and self-centred. She boasts that she ‘doesn’t suffer fools gladly’, which means she is rude, insensitive and demanding. Every time she comes here she causes a scene. She’s not the slightest bit bothered about our two sons (8 and 10) because she has to be the centre of attention at any family gathering.
She and my ‘other mother-in-law’ totally ignore each other, which creates an on-going frosty atmosphere.
This year both of them are coming to our house for Christmas. The birth mum has had an operation and can’t cook while the step-mum would be on her own because my father-in-law is going skiing with a group of pals including a woman, he once had a nine-month affair with!
My husband shrugs when I ask him what he’s going to do about his ‘mothers’. He huffs that they’re not going to change now, but why should my life be blighted by their ridiculous behaviour?
JANE SAYS: Sounds like you’ll need a professional referee round at your place on December 25th. If having your spiky mothers-in-law for Christmas is non-negotiable, then your husband must step up and control them. Talk to him now about house rules, boundaries and politeness.
He can’t slither out of managing and taming them. These adult women must be told to grow up, help out and fit in. This is not a game or a joke because you and your children deserve to relax and enjoy the festive season too. Your husband’s stepmother needs to have it calmly explained to her that she frequently gets carried away with herself – and needs to start thinking before she speaks. She needs to consider kindness and tact.
As for your husband’s birth mother, he also needs to talk to her about day-to-day life, her mental health and the future. No one denies that she was let down and pushed aside by her ex, but she cannot continue to let her divorce stop her from making new friends and opening up again. Does she need to speak to her GP or a counsellor about her mental health and lack of motivation?
You deserve credit for trying to keep the peace and hold the family together, but everyone has their breaking point. The folks may view you as the strong, capable one – almost the head of the family in many ways – but you’re clearly exhausted. As for your father-in-law – words fail me…
