‘My accomplice runs off with different girls for months at a time then comes house with a tan’
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn’t slowing down.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email [email protected]. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Running man
How do I stop my partner from doing a runner?
We’ve been together for many years yet he’s still as unreliable as ever.
Just when I think we’re in a good place, he ups sticks and disappears for days, or even weeks on at a time.
The first time he left me without a word, I was beside myself with worry. I’d just landed a great job and knew he was jealous. I rang every friend, relative and hospital in the land. In the end, it was his mother who ordered me to ‘chill out’. She explained that her ex-husband (my partner’s dad) was the same – he’d frequently go off for long periods too.
Eventually my guy came back with a suntan. He’d been in Spain with another woman for the summer. Over the next few years, he skipped out to avoid everything from family weddings and funerals to big bills.
Now I’m older and our kids have just left home. I’m not prepared to put up with it anymore. At the moment he’s off with me because our roof needs fixing and he doesn’t like the inconvenience of trades people or their bills. I’ve got a feeling that he’s about to abandon me again. I’m tired of the humiliation and the mind games.
I don’t see why I should continue to indulge him, when he cares so little for my feelings. I used to get myself into a terrible state imagining him injured in a gutter somewhere. These days when he runs, I don’t even bother calling his mobile phone number. I know that he’ll come back, because he always does. I used to think that I could change and tame him, but I realise that I’ve been fighting a losing battle for a very long time. Where do I go from here when I don’t fancy the idea of being on my own full time?
JANE SAYS: You’re already on your own full time because you can’t rely on your man for anything. Start thinking in terms of freedom. Your new life starts right here.
Tell him that you’ve taken all you can take; the disappearances; the worry; the humiliation – you’re done.
The reality is that you’ve been carrying the weight of the family, the finances and the home on your shoulders since day one. Your partner may occasionally share your space, but he’s emotionally detached and you have no idea what’s going on in his head when he ‘bolts’. What you can’t do is continue to live like this, because you know that he’s grinding you down and stealing your soul. You mention that he once went to Spain with another woman. Is this woman his ‘significant other?’
Is it she he always flees to when he can’t face life with you?
He may think he’s very clever flitting between two worlds but you’re worth better than this.
Ideally, he’d talk to you about the stresses and strains of everyday life; he’d explain to you that he often finds it difficult coping with everything that’s expected of him – and then you’d work together on a solution. But as he doesn’t seem to want to talk openly and honestly about his emotional state, or secret hideout, then you have to put yourself first. What is it you dream of doing next now that you have an empty nest, mobility and strong mind?
Your call.
Trust issues
My girlfriend is gorgeous, but I don’t feel as though she’s completely mine. A few weeks ago, she told one of my best mates that she fancied him. I found out and we almost broke up. She blamed alcohol and I agreed to give her a second chance. Then another pal admitted that she’d been texting him jokes and funny Internet links, plus suggesting drinks and coffees. Naturally I confronted her again and now we’re on very shaky ground. She’s trying to please and flatter me with kinky sex, but I don’t know what I feel anymore.
JANE SAYS: If you constantly find yourself looking over your shoulder, then you need to admit defeat and move on. Sadly, your girlfriend is not the person you want her to be. She thinks nothing of flirting with your mates.
Take the upper hand and explain to her that you can’t – and won’t – play these kinds of mind games. Either she’s with you – 100 per cent – or she’s not.
If she’s not committed to your relationship, in the way you’d like her to be, then you must put yourself first and walk. Otherwise, you’ll continue to feel under siege and embarrassed. It’s a shame that this relationship hasn’t worked out, but there will be others. You cannot stay with someone who brings you down no matter how gorgeous and hot they are.
You booze, you lose
My best friend is drinking a bottle of wine a night, plus more at weekends. It’s not doing her any good.
Drink makes her aggressive. More than once, she’s rung me after midnight complaining that I’m not a good enough mate. Most mornings she feels terrible. She’s full of remorse, her skin is a mess, and she can’t think straight before noon. My boyfriend says that I must dump her for the sake of my mental health but how can I when I’ve known her for a long time? The problem is that she and I have always talked about setting up a business together.
JANE SAYS: You’re perfectly within your rights – as a mate – to tell your friend that you’re worried. Why don’t you take her out for a cup of tea and explain that you hate seeing her so down? Ask her to be honest about her drinking and the effect it’s having on her day-to-day life. Suggest that she speaks to her GP and checks out the Alcoholics Anonymous website at www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk. But please don’t invest money or time in her if she’s not able to match you in terms of drive, energy and commitment in a professional or business capacity. Business and pleasure don’t mix
Cold as ice
All my boyfriend ever does is complain about how sex-starved he is. I find this insulting – especially as we make love every day without fail. I get especially angry when he talks about our love life in front of his mates and makes me look frigid and cold. He says I’m too touchy. Am I?
JANE SAYS: Your boyfriend may enjoy playing to the crowd, but he needs to understand that he humiliates you with his insensitive comments. Is he willing to button up or do you need to walk away? You need to warn him that he isn’t funny or respectful. Doesn’t he realise how blessed he is? Just how much sex does he think he should be enjoying on any given day? Can a compromise be found?
